ME AND MYSELF.

2012-01-29T22:24:00.002+08:00

Life will always be filled with challenges. But there is surely a way to overcome them.
I am just looking for my solution.
If you do, enjoy being morbid and blessed at the same time, that seem to be alot to ask from God.
He wants you to be happy, and that is blessed.
Yet art becomes another threat.
And the search for self in life.
Am really happy in school. But sometimes I just feel like going back to the old days.
Even if again and again I keep saying, and do know that I am over it, I just wish that he is here with me.
School work ain't tough at all. I am not stress over school stuff. But my faith isn't as persistent as Jesus.
Sometimes things just feel so weird without the reminder of Jesus constant love.
I become another person. One that labours for glory.
I wish He would just show me a sign to carry on. But on the other hand faith is to believe before seeing.
In confusion of the things I want.
Do I want to be alone? Do I want life? Do I want art?
What is the definition of definite and who determines it for me.
Do I love the hate I hold on to, and what is love for it to be known for it to be this four letter word.
Maybe I am thinking too much. But art was said to be something that keeps questioning ourselves.
My teacher said that art will never be a form of self expression.
But he is just being stereotype. I am against that statement and I do art for the sake of self expression.
Why am I being so random anyway.
Recently feel like slacking already. That's an overall feeling.
And am starting to depend and trust at the same time.
Not the best habit I would want.
Hmmm So lazy to do my gif and have forgotten most of it.
And need to think about ideas for paintings. I guess I am going off after this long and awkward naggy post.
Buhbye. (:

2012-01-22T02:11:00.002+08:00

Really want to sleep. But don't have any ideas for painting. And need to take a self portrait tmr.
Need help but no one to ask. Not like how it was.
But I am sure it's for my own good. It's part of growing up. I will get it soon.
Today was a long day but spent fun times with my sister.
Tmr going to see ahma and eat family dinner.
Splitting and splitting.
I need to remember what he last said.
Grab on to that feeling, hate love and move on.
good night.

2012-01-16T22:06:00.001+08:00

putting a plaster over the wound.
drew a smiley on my plaster.
but the wound ain't happy.
it's just the face.

2012-01-15T23:10:00.002+08:00

Don't know you.
Hypocrite.

2012-01-08T23:23:00.003+08:00

今天感触很多，所以想用华语来写下心情。
已经是1月8日了。已经过了三年多了。
不知道从什么时候开始发现你。也不知道从什么时候开始爱上你。
爱上你后，不知什么时候，从温暖的你，变得好陌生。
我不知从何时让这种心痛变成我生命的一部分。我也慢慢地喜欢这样的想念以前的你。
不断的付出，不要求回报。只希望你能快乐。但渐渐的离不开你所能给的温暖。
那种温度，好像是种诱惑。
但被你糟蹋的记忆，已经让我累坏了。
你变的太陌生，太让人失望。
我，在这些痛苦的日子里，不知不觉的惨胜另一种心情。
最近已经不再去看你在做些什么。不再想你。而如果想起你，感觉只有恨。
已经死心了。已经决定不爱了。
从我过了2011年开始，就把那份感情给抛弃。
不再有任何思念或想念。
人啊，千万不能把自己的焦点放在别人身上。
想要的，就只能是个位置，或是东西。不可以是人的感情。
人是会辜负人的东西。是痛。是多余的痛。
我学会了。我也不会再次犯下这样的错。
不管是谁，都一样。
可以相信人，但决不能依赖。
有时可能会累了，然后好想你。但是想久了，记起你是如何践踏我的真心，我就会擦干眼泪，狠心的忘记自己。
我不想再期望，也不想再为讨厌我的人付出。
晚安了大家，明天还要上课。

2012-01-06T23:59:00.002+08:00

It's the 7th day of 2012 since it's 12.02am now.
School started off well. Lessons seems to be pretty challenging. But I am ready.
Really going to study hard this sem.
Last sem I really feel like there's just no motivation, and my heart was not ready to settle in school work since there were things that I couldn't balance.
I had an awesome caregroup session I guess.
Receiving healing as the sharing went on. Was feeling horrible for a moment.
This whole year, the thought about you gave me a very different feeling.
I was angry. And am whenever I think about stuffs. Angry with you, with me, with life.
What have become of me. I do not know.
Art became rather aggressive.
So tired. gahhh. What's wrong with me?
I just lack abit of vitamin M and G. Money and God.
:) But I guess god can satisfy all our lacks because he is our portion.
gonna go sleep and stop thinking so much.
Goodnight :)

2012-01-01T01:52:00.002+08:00

Well, it's a brand new year for everyone. And 2 hours ago was 2011.
Time really flies. Especially this year.
It wasn't a very awesome year for me. I've faced many problems and was forced to overcome them myself.
I had an average gpa, and this year, I am going to really work hard! :)
I also had many new stuff that motivates my art. Am ready for school after being charged.
I had a year that was supposed to be easy without you, but ended up so screwed because of being so greedy.
Memories left all around the places I go. And all you ever need to say was stfu, asking you to be happy was like a torture to you.
I was so upset when I saw that. I am not being too sensitive. But it is fine. This year, I promised myself to never ever see your face again.
Just so that I can always remember you in the way I hope you are. That you might used to be.
I have grown tired of being kind. Am tired of people's demand.
This year I will expect instead of being expected. Will not fall easy into people's kind words.
I have been too quiet and unconfident. Have lost a part of me ever since I met you.
This year I am all set and ready to be myself again.
I am going to do works which were once my secrets. All those feelings for you, I don't want to keep them in a little book anymore. I want them on my canvases.
My new year resolutions are to just become a better person, spend more time with my family and friends, save more money, get closer with christ and excel in what I am doing.
Also to overcome my failures. Don't take pain so seriously. It's just a feeling.
I no longer wish to be someone that people like. I prefer fear more.
This year will be receiving, taking and understanding.
I really don't want to stay the same every single new year. :)
Except to those that I really love, I promise to be true. (:
I would also like to thank my friends and family for always being so understanding and kind.
Liyi, Joscelin, Desiree, Rachel. Thank you all so much for being there for me :)
This year will be good because God went to the future and know that it is good! When God says so, it shall be. :)
And changing isn't a horrible thing. It's just security.
The only way I can keep myself warm, secure, and strong.
Good bye 2011~ Helloooo 2012!
Ps for random post :) HEHE. :3

2011-12-26T22:54:00.003+08:00

Just watched the art of getting by.
It was an awesome experience. The movie is so good.
I would really hope to get hold of a copy of their scripts!
It was so inspiring and touching.
I relate my life to it so much.
The story talks about this boy, george, that can't do his work. He thinks alot about life and see no point to it. Everything, an illusion. Nothing is real. Nothing feels real.
Till he meets Sally. They became friends, and he really likes her.
The whole story begins then. About the things they do together.
Eventually it's so real. Everything they do are just like what friends would do with each other.
But something different is when you know and can feel that that person is someone that makes you feel special. Alittle more caring, alittle more sweet.
Without you knowing, he just starts appearing in your head more often.
Then the show shows how he gets inspired to do art.
I just feel the same way too.
It was so real. The movie. Was like my life.
You too. But the ending ain't the same.
And I didn't had the courage. I would just put it in my work.
I took turns to be the main lead, then to see you in that role as well.
Unsure of the things you do, your life, what you like, what to draw, what to picture in your head.
And I feel afraid to confess, lost, confused about life, thinking too much just like him.
Love the movie. Gonna watch it again I guess.
Nobody can really understand. The memories of those days.
Now we are nobody. Now we are nothing. We were each other's illusion.
:)
This year is coming to an end soon. In just a few day's time.
This year passed by so quickly. Getting faster and faster each year.
This year's new year resolution was to forget you.
I can't. It doesn't affect me anymore. But I just can't.
And I want to keep everything.
Next year's new year resolutions are all here! And I shall end my blog with that today.
So inspired till I want to go to school. And I just know I can always watch it again to remind me of the things I started of with.
:) good night everybody.
The song today is, The Trial of The Century from that show. :)
My 2012 resolutions!
1.Score well throughout the year!
2. Have more wisdom,favor, blessings and understanding from God!
3. Read finish the bible!
4. Spend alot of time with my family!
5. Read more books!
6. Maybe learn driving?
7. Save more money!
hahha okay that's all :) Nights! :D

2011-12-25T21:44:00.002+08:00

Merry Christmas Everybody!
Today is Christmas and today's post is a happy one :)
I had lots of fun today! Thank you to all my friends for all the gifts! I am so happy to celebrate with you girls! :D
Today's church service was good too! And really enjoyed the part when Adeline was singing We are the reason!
Thank you Michelle for your gift! I really love it! I will read it everyday and send her! Hahha!
Then I went to meet liyi for lunch as ashtons! Really miss her so much! WE REALLY VERY LONG NEVER GO OUT TOGETHER!! hahhas! Had very fun and lame chats and eat until super full! hahahas!
LIYI! THANK YOU!! hahahs The gift and the card are so lovely! I love them alot too! will put our photos in the frame too!! And every year she will make my card! So sweet! Hahhahas! Thank you so much! She even draw this year sia! LOL!
And thanks Jos for coming today! Hahah everyday celebrating!
Went to lots of places today! Thank you liyi for letting us trouble her with the transport!!
We really enjoyed ourselves today and they couldn't stop laughing about how I fell in the canteen three years ago LOLS.
Hahhaha It was a tired christmas but I really am happy when my family and friends are happy too!
Mama likes her lipstick! Sister likes her palette of eyeshadows! Daddy likes the clothes I bought! hahah He even said he gonna wear it for new year! SO SWEET! x)
I spent about 270 this christmas :| Yes, hard to imagine but small gifts bombs me. LOLS.
Hahha But I am so happy to see them happy x)
I think about how Jesus paid his life for us and is so happy to see us and God happy. He is happy too.
Thank you daddy god, for this very special day! Happy birthday to Jesus!
Few recent songs on my list are
Midnight light by Haley
I wish you love by Lisa Ono
A thousand years by Perri
The last one, a thousand years. Was really close to my heart.
I imagined Jesus singing this song for me.
You can imagine how old God and Jesus are. They exist even before there was the world.
And they've already started loving me.
They love me till today, and it's gonna be forever.
Till I leave this world to join them, they will still love me!
For many thousand years. So many. :3
So touched :D
Hahhahas! This christmas is a happy and blessed one! Even if there were many problems occurring, they sort of got through because of God's countenance and mercy :)
Okay! Had a blessed Christmas Eve and Christmas! Hope the new year will be even more awesome!
Can't wait for next week's special service! WHOOO! :3
Nights everyone! :)

2011-12-21T01:05:00.002+08:00

Getting better and better each day.
Not thinking about anything.
Not even god. Not even art.
Just baking gingerbread man, just going out like normal young adults.
Behaving like a kid.
Have you ever tried to learn to mature within a night? Because of someone else's death.
I was forced to. During the long break before nafa, I walked back and learned to behave more like my age.
Let studies affect you, think about fun, neglecting other people, do things without thinking too much.
This is youth.
When you grow up, you do everything carefully, death surrounds you, you cherish everyone and neglect yourself.
Hmm. Anyway, today I baked a whole batch of gingerbread man myself :)
But mama and jiejie keep laughing at how hard it is. ahaha.
papa haven't try but I will save one for him!
Had lots of funny moments taking gif photos with desiree and rachel today.
Gonna just stay at home for the next few days, save some energy and money, do some cards and spend time with my dear family.
Christmas is coming, again.
Remember how last christmas and last last christmas was.
Understood how you hate gifts, and how you hate to give gifts as well.
Keeping everything simple for you :)
Just want to spend some time with you and the old friends before the year ends.
3 years, going to 4.
I'm over you, but not those times. It just makes me feel safe, it's okay. I like life like that.
To sit in the bus, listen to the songs you like, making it those that I like, and think about the funny days together. I like to miss. :)
It's like the anticipation before opening up a present.
Hmmm. I am tired :) Would be going off soon.
Listening to, I can't stop loving you by lisa ono.
Gonna end of this post with the lyrics :)
I can't stop loving you
I've made up my mind
To live in memory of the lonesome times
I can't stop wanting you
It's useless to say
So I'll just live my life in dreams of yesterday
Dreams of yesterday
Those happy hours that we once knew
Tho' long ago, they still make me blue
They say that time heals a broken heart
But time has stood still since we've been apart
Good night :)

2011-12-18T22:55:00.002+08:00

Never ever blog when you're angry or feeling horrible like crap.
I felt that much when I got back my results.
Very disappointed with myself.
Disappointed with the God I really trust.
Even if my future will be good, I cherish every art exam I take.
I know I am not as hardworking, or as talented or smart.
Yet still so unsatisfied.
I am angry with myself, angry with my believes, and my abilities.
After so many years, still can't get any better.
Am so scared of Cs. Remember my O level art.
I forgot that burning passion for art. Forgot about you, forgot about myself.
Kept doing and doing and couldn't figure out what I was doing here.
No joy, no sadness to express. Life, too peaceful. Too empty with you around.
Was hoping for you to tell me it's okay. But that hope sort of brought me lower.
Didn't go to church. I can't bring myself to it.
Feel so naked. People might think it's only grades. But art is like my life to me.
I, at least would hope to be good in something.
In the end I was only good in what I like, and for history, that fucked up tony ruin my interest for it.
I question myself. What am I doing. What do I want to do. What am I good at.
One of my lecturers once told me that nobody can be good in everything in art.
I shall carry on with a angry and revengeful heart. I want to score well.
I shall depend more on myself.
Shall not let anything distract me.
Shall just get well soon.
And hope that God might want to do something.
Good bye (:

2011-12-06T23:32:00.002+08:00

I can't blog at all. For the fourth time. Retyping.
Too many things in my head.
I can't do it myself. Can't make up my mind.

2011-12-05T23:48:00.002+08:00

I want you to be happy.
I know when I grow up I won't love you like I used to.
I won't know anyone that I would love as much.
I won't meet you again because once we've missed it it just means we are not meant to be.
There won't be an after life. These thoughts become childish as I grow older.
My inner desires.
They have all dispersed with the wind. My love for you, broken in to pieces. Over and over again.
I left them all over the place. I am tired to find them back.
Whenever you come back you put them back for me, and half way you leave, and crushed them with your words.
Your warmth made me afraid of the coldness of I face alone. I bit my lips, till they bleed and endure it all alone.I taste blood, felt the pain, and it all freezed. I never blamed you for your hands. I only blame myself for being so greedy. I now have gotten used to the cold.
Your voice knocking at my door at night. How can I forget your words. Those that lifted me up to what I want to be. And those that knocked me down and gave me another personality. I hear you in the songs, even if there aren't any lyrics. I hear you in my silence. I hear you in my sleep. Hear you in my dreams. Hear you when I shut myself up.
I see you everywhere, like another shadow that follows me. I think that's where you went.
No wonder I can't find you. But yet I've been running from something that has already been part of me.
I fed on those memories for the past two years.
I prayed and cried to God, telling him to snatch you away from my head. He did and then I said no, give him back to me. And I pray again, and said no. And prayed again, and said, just alittle more.
I am just missing you. :) Don't worry wei ting. It's no sin.
But get back up on your feet. This can't continue. And God said my life is supposed to be good.
I'm going insane. A fight in my head.
Should get to bed now. Gonna see the dentist soon, and hope the skin on my eye grows back quickly, Amen :)
I don't need a men. I need more amens.
Goodbye. I have 25 more days to fufil my new year resolution.

2011-12-05T00:19:00.002+08:00

Good night everybody. :) It's december already.
Another year coming to an end.
This month, this holiday, I have decided to go set my teeth back in place to take in more confidence.
My eyes are also recovering while my right side of my face is swollen.
It's all gonna end soon :) This week is going to be busy.
Was staring at the painting just now. The one with the night sky.
Suddenly I could smell my old purple esprit perfume with the mixture of my sunflower roller scent.
It was how I used to smell like in school. Very sweet. Hahah.
I could see you there, and could remember the whole day clearly in my head.
Playing back a old record.
But my memories aren't that good already. I can't remember things without my own thoughts.
Remember how we use to play lan together too.
Hmmm. Just thoughts. :) No extra feeling except more alive.
Every thought about you makes me feel warm and more young. Less serious, and laughing about something cute, not just funny.
My new year resolution for the past two years was to forget you.
My new year resolution three years ago was to be with you forever.
Watching couples together, thinking about the things we've done and not done and will never do.
I'm numb to these thoughts.
This year I have come to realise how much I need God, how much I need him to get back my life.
I've received love and blessings from Daddy God.
I've decided to give up on the kind of art I'm doing.
I used to have difficulties deciding. Because of you.
But now I am willing to give up those satanic thoughts and sadistic art work for daddy god.
I will try my best to avoid. Even if I think about you. :)
Reduce the amount of books I have about Edvard Munch. :|
And just embrace my bible and his love.
I am going take some time to give up alot of things.
But I never regret taking them.
I have even deciding to give up my art career.
I have been thinking about it and realise that all these are nothing because God gave all of that to me.
I know it's hard but I am not going to do this giving up. God is.
Whether is the art I used to do with you, for you, about you, or the thoughts about you.
Even paperbag men. :)
I'm going to give everything to God, and believe that my art will be just for the sake of him, and even prosper in that area he brought me to.
Amen. :)
Good night now, off to bed. Eating lots of medicines lately.
But all for a good cost. Daddy god blessed me with good people around me. :) I will trust him and his ways. Hope you would too boy. Please be happy. :)

2011-11-30T23:55:00.002+08:00

Got a new blog skin. I'm so free now I feel so empty.
Didn't really worry about my assessment. But didn't really feel good about it as well.
Whatever shit comes, I am ready. God has planned the future.
O levels also C5. Now still in Nafa. Why worry now.
Today waited for my turn to go in for the critic.
While waiting I sat infront of the lift. I allowed myself to think about you.
Early morning you knocked me with the things you said.
You're only afraid when you care.
I swear, I am not afraid of anything or anyone except you.
Never allowed a guy to shout at me. Never allowed a guy to make me stop talking.
Never wanted you to live. Because the person I'm most afraid of gives me the most security.
I gave you the authority. But it wasn't this way.
You see, there is always two sides to a story.
I love you, you like me, as a friend.
That's how things ended. Because you believe I'm crossing the line and I believe you can't get what I see.
You are behaving more than a friend.
I sat infront of the lift, thinking about the things you would do during an art exam.
You were never afraid. Not because you aren't. Because of your last minute works. It made you so tired.
Your english, so fluent that it could back you up for any situation.
I would try my best till the very end, but never find my work any better than yours.
Yes, I'm also afraid of your capability.
But I never once was competetive about it.
I never wanted to be better than you. I rather submit to the fact that you will always be better. Like a girl towards a boy. Not like me now, always want to keep climbing and climbing.
Still, reserving for the first spot for you.
I know many can't get it. I said I am over him and yet I keep talking and talking about him.
I really don't know who he is now.
When ever I see him with many people, I really don't know who he is. The way he behaves he totally different when I am with him. Just me and him.
I don't care about his motives.
I only keep those memories. They are nutrients to my art work as well. I do not love anymore.
I just like to remember I once did.
My life, completely died when I know he moved away. My life, no longer belongs to me.
It's daddy's. I find comfort in his love for me and do love him and my family and friends.
Love have many kinds. And the once I've lost are those for the opposite gender.
If he ever come back, I think I would say yes, give up being an artist and just think about being a house wife.
Hahah that's funny.
It will never happen :)
It's time to go off. Tmr going shopping with Desiree and Rachel! Holidays!
I'm tearing. I don't know which is hurting. I think it's my eyes. Too sensitive to the light. Not my heart. Can't feel it. Gosh. Hahah.
Everything I did for you I gave my heart and soul.
Shhhsh. Going to go off. Nights :)

2011-11-29T02:27:00.003+08:00

Recently many people are passing away.
Reminds me of wiping my own grandma's body.
Purple, cold and still.
I understand how people feel when people around them are gone.
And when the closest is gone.
I remember hiding under the table to cry. Sitting in a corner for comfort.
I remember crying in trains and buses and outside the door, going to sleep and even in church.
But they have moved on to a better place. A place without pain and illness. A place closer to daddy God.
I've read a good blog just now by my sister's teacher. He died recently and was a faithful believer and pastor. http://arthkohsl.blogspot.com/
:) It really touched me.
Was listening to Close To You just now.
Reminded me of the time in the canteen, you changing all the lyrics and singing rubbish about me.
Hahha. I laughed to myself while painting. That feeling came back again.
I sat there quietly, just listening and painting. Felt young for awhile. :)
Desiree and Rachel were oovooing with me. LOL. Rachel's blog is so sweet. :)
I really appreciate my friends too! Thank you desiree and rachel for always being there for me and teaching me school work :) Thanks for bearing me in mind no matter what you guys do.
Thank you liyi and joscelin too. Even if we can't meet up often, or don't have time for each other, I know we always try and always keep each other deep in our hearts :D
I am going back to paint now. Jiayou everyone :D

2011-11-25T20:44:00.002+08:00

have difficulty doing my homework.
i am left with little negative emotions.
left with little memories of you.
i see you in pain. and remember how you would tell me about your tears. while i listen i cry. never wanted to see you in pain. never hated you for being weak. love you even more so that you would be strong.
when i am dumb, you would guide me. when i am afraid you would hold my hands.
now, i am no longer dumb or afraid. not because i am strong. it's because you're not that anymore.
i have to be, not that i want to.
i took that love for you and turned them into different emotions.
into strengths. a strength that keeps me going and makes me smiles. a strength that pushes me down so that i can cry to feel better. a strength to hate you and force myself to keep improving. that hate, to forget you.
and when i forget you i realise all these strengths are gone as well.
it was me, that told everyone that asked. i said i dont like you and never will.
i was lying because i am afraid it would troubled you.
it all ended without anyone realising. i know when it did.
when we finished our art paper 2.
it all ended. even in the computer lab, we've already stopped being like how we used to.
i have to paint now. without you this time.
without you chasing around with your spray can and brushes. with you varnishing my work with me.
without you holding my tap. without you praising my ideas. without you sitting by my side.
stop.
she will never love you like how i do.
but i know whoever you need now ain't one that really loves you.
it is one that you really would love. and the love, like how i love you.
:) i am tough, not even a tear for you boy.
all these thoughts just slows me down. so tired. like 3 years just flew passed.

2011-11-23T23:26:00.003+08:00

Was playing my keyboard just now. Had lots of feelings while I played Gymnopedie.
Even if it's just a portion of it.
Today's assessment seems pretty well. God bless :)
Thank you Daddy for all you've given me.
Watching lords of cartoons recently.
Also watching shows that were suppose to inspire me.
Maybe only corspe bride did.
So many things to say. Nobody to talk to.
So many answers in my head. No questions to respond to.
My art is becoming so normal. And blessed. God sort of have his ways in putting favor upon stuffs.
But my art is losing it's original intention. Sad, painful, disgusting, eccentric meaning that comes out from my brain naturally because these feelings were part of me.
It wasn't intentional.
Now I seem to be trying to remember love. No, nothing comes out from my head.
Even his memories are getting more and more vague.
That feeling, so distant.
I am just lost. Numb. Happy, blessed, eccentric, in pain, crazy.
You guys don't know how it feels to feel all these at the same time.
How hard is it to remain calm. God blesses me and tells me don't worry. My illness is getting into my head. Never panicking over anything. So many contradictions that I seem to be typing rubbish.
I can't have him back. I cannot.
I still love him. But god loves me and he is able to take that love away.
sometimes it feels like it's taken away. Sometimes I am so empty I take in everything again.
Gymnopedie. Keeps me in peace. And reminds me of you.
Makes me think about you for awhile. Keeps me safe.
When the song ends, I go insane and spams the reply button.
Nothing is replaying except the song.
ARGH.

2011-11-20T23:38:00.002+08:00

Joanne is leaving us already! She is going to US.
Going to miss her even though we hardly talk now.
We used to be good friends during secondary 1 and 2.
Sometimes we just drift from people but at least we left some good times together.
These are all my secondary school friends :)
Liyi is still my best friend. We didn't start out like friends. hahaha. But it was fun!
Many people come and go. It is okay.
Many things have happened in secondary school and some were really things that I don't want to remember.
Belven told me about what pastor prince said. A monkey is trapped using a cage that has a hold, only small enough for the hand to go in, but not big enough for the hand to come out with the fruit.
If you hold your grudge and never let go, you can never come out and be free.
There are people that bullied me, betrayed me, pranked me and left me.
I want to not hate anymore. I am not cut out for that anymore.
Even if bipolar hits me in the head and she wants to hate, God will take these feelings away.
I have so much more. I have a scholarship, a bright career, a bunch of great friends, awesome family, and a good god.
I have nothing to lose. Those people that left me, instead looked pretty miserable and lousy. They look so ugly now. Nothing great about them. I am not saying it out of anger. I pity them. And am praying for them.
When you are secure, you don't have to worry. :)
Okay then! Tmr gonna print my assessment stuffs, and now back to painting :)
Found my small canvas today.
The one about the night scene of three buildings with interesting perspective.
haha I think that's gonna sell when I get famous.
But I love it so much.
That day we sat in the art room. You were doing ur o levels. I was free and repainting my canvas.
When I finished I showed it to you and you praised me.
It wasn't the first time but it was the first time I took it seriously.
Then I took art and painting even more seriously. All out for you to praise me.
It is fine now. I still have that kind of thinking sometimes. Hahhaa. But I am doing it for myself now. All along, it was for myself. For the love I had for you.
Oh well, it's all gone now! Buhbye! shhhhsh!

2011-11-20T00:00:00.002+08:00

Listening to Nelly's song. all good things come to an end.
Today I did not think of you till I was thinking about how I didn't think about you.
Today I could smell the night while I stood near the window to look at the sky.
Today I am tired of happiness and would like to take a break from all my thoughts.
They are still happening inside my head.
But too many in a go, I'm getting tired.
God, I trust you and know that when you are here I will have a good life.
But why did he have to go.
I can never figure it out.
Lord, my eyes are getting better each day.
I want to trust you this time. Everything will be fine.
I will see.
Too many beautiful things to not see Lord.
Too many people's faces I want to remmeber.

2011-11-18T23:49:00.002+08:00

Most of my assessments are over. I am completely at rest, not stress at all.
Two more coming and I am left with one undone.
Recently I am facing alot of attacks.
Attacks of bipolar. They felt like asthmas.
I shiver in fear in the crowd. I didn't know what I was doing or should do while I was waiting for help.
I walked around and hid myself up.
Calmed down and went back to wait. I needed a prayer.
Afterwards I had a 360 changed.
I was happy and talking non stop.
I was confident and awake. I was laughing. And afraid at the same time.
I know I have it. But in Christ, I believe I am healed of bipolar.
I don't know if I want to let go of this illness. It helps me with my art when He is gone.
But when He is gone there is no more thought to calm my attacks down.
I want art, I also want Jesus.
The kind of art I want is different from the kind of Jesus I want.
I don't know what personailty I should agree to. I am tired today.
My eyes were hurting badly recently and I cannot take light.
I know what is wrong. And I know I need a doctor.
Sister told mama about it and mum said what I didn't want to hear.
We know, I could just have turned blind if I am not careful.
I might not be able to see if this continues.
I know I need help but God can heal the blind.
I am lost in my believes once again but I know that just go back to christ, just go back to christ.
This way life won't have anymore pain.
Yet pain keeps art going.
I suffered from depression but God set me free.
Now in bipolar, I know I should do the same and give it to him.
It's not what I can control this time. because there are too many thoughts that clashes with each other.
I am tired, yes. I have to give up one of them.
The answer is easy. The decision is clear.
But so much emotions put into both.
I know if I pick christ, I lose both him and expressionism. I know I will just be me.
I will find a way.
And God will guide me and return me my sight.
It's getting late. Back to work (:

2011-11-14T21:54:00.002+08:00

Been busy last week but this week is just finishing up some stuffs before holidays are here.
Left with my cup holder and painting assessment.
Tmr I will finish up my holder, will start my poster and painting assessment.
Today I need to rest. My eyes hurts.
Having rest in the Lord. This is finally maintaining. I know how my relationship with God always go on a roller coaster.
But his love for me endures, and blesses me and makes me feel like there is a reason to live.
Even if he got away. Even if sometimes I might remember him. Even if people talk about relationship and I see myself alone without him anymore. It's fine.
I know I feel lonely sometimes but I am never alone. God is here with me.
He knows me, loves me and will never use me.
He won't use me, and will never throw me there to cry. He will never ask me to go away. He will never leave me in pain. Even if you were nice, you can't measure up to Jesus.
I am independent when I know God is in the center of my life.
I don't need other people to give me anything. God alone is enough. And moreover He puts blessings and angels in my life.
I don't need a man to make me complete. Don't need one to make me grow into a mother and lose myself for him. Don't need me to give up my ambition of an artist for him.
Don't need me to listen to his rubbish or grow into someone that pleases him. Don't need to lose my freedom for him. Don't need to waste money on.
I hate relationship, no. I don't like them. Once bitten, twice shy. I am not going to be like an idiot.
So oh well. Going to rest! Hope you tmr is bless too! :D Good night!

2011-11-05T23:36:00.002+08:00

feeling like shit yesterday till now.
desperately looking for God's love but it has all alone been here.
talking to my friend about god reminds me of his love. It feels so comforting.
I don't like the topic about love and relationships.
I don't like to be reminded of the wounds and lies.
I know I keep escaping. I have no one to turn to except daddy.
The present him to me, is just a stranger.
But what he used to be was still there. He isn't dead there yet.
And the number of times I get cheated and betrayed.
The number of times I get abandoned and forgotten.
Don't think that I am doing enough for my friends.
Always feeling so sorry towards Joscelin and Liyi.
Never enough time together and always making them listen to my bullshit.
I should just stop focusing my life on myself.
When Jesus is in the center, everthing will prosper and be awesome.
Believing in faith.
Lord I need to forget him. Need to stop this stupid cycle.
I don't want a replacement Lord.
sometimes it gets so tiring.
I hate that topic. Hate guys so much but I never told anyone.
I am straight. I just don't like them now.
He's the only one that broke the ice. But it's even worse now. :\
Once bitten twice shy. It causes fear.
Waiting for healing. It will come soon.
and bipolar. healing Lord.
I don't count my problems. I have too many of them.
back to work. shut up weiting.

2011-11-02T23:48:00.003+08:00

Been having a busy week lately. And more to come.
Having lots of fun in school. :)
I have a strangly pevertic history teacher and a weird "dnt" teacher.
My photography teacher talks like he has spilt personailty and my painting teachers are forever eccentric. Plus my very interesting and nerdy nie teacher with my very serious and daddy like desktop publishing teacher. LOL.
If you get what I mean...
Many submittions lately and am trying little to finish them. hahaha
Rest! God is here! Everything is possible.
Need to sleep more man...
Oh well. My book from Newyork is here! Wheees!
And errr I have caregroup this friday. Wheeees!
Errrm Desiree plucked her teeths! Wheees, NOT. OUCH!
Hahaa poor desiree can hardly talk and sing. Well, I just have to do it for her.
Rachel and her boyfriend together for three years recently! ( anni-ver-sa-ry)
And errrm I got a weird hair cut? LOL. Fringe cut.
Hahha but pinning up my fringe is fun. I remember in secondary school, even if you kill me I also won't pin. LOLS.
Met liyi just now! Miss her alot and finally meeting up though it's just an hour.
And errm Mao is going to army tmr~ Time passes by so quickly.
I still remember the first day I talk to him, he had gold hair and a dark green jacket at the it fair.
This was like two years ago thing LOLS.
Joscelin is somewhere over the rainbow.. I will talk to her later. hahaha.
And finally I am going back to my photoshop! Can't wait for my booklet to finish! Hope I don't screw it up Lord... So worried about the text GAHHH.
oh well, God planned my grades already! Don't worry weiting. LOLS. omg i keep talking to myself.
Keep splitting too. :\
Okay! Can't keep getting stuck behind. Needa move!
Good bye~ Back to work!

2011-11-02T23:23:00.002+08:00

He changed me so much and I can't wait for the rest of his glory. When you see him you'll never be the same. Many tug a wars in my head but all of the three personalities love God.
Things I admit, and conquered through my Daddy God.
I don't have straight teeth. If you look carefully they are not white too.
My eyes are not even and sometimes the right one will tend to be double, and the left inner double because of my previous surgery.
My nose is pretty big. So are my ears.
My fore head is uneven as well.
I'm hairy when I was born and I'm lazy to remove all of them.
Sometimes I feel that my eyes can't look properly at the camera so I would smile till I can't see my eyes, but never open my mouth.
I am balding alittle at the top of my head because that part of my head is dead and won't grow hair anymore. My scalp is alittle oily too.
My face is also very sensitive and gets oily easily.
And am paranoid when I talk about my face.
I put on make up because I feel insecure.
I am not pretty, not stable, alittle bipolar and have a horrible temper.
When I am angry I am angry and awhile later I pretend I am not and add in a just joking line.
I am impatient and terribly flinken minded.
I can't sing or really play a piano piece. Never mastered a instrument before.
I can't cook or really bake. Am extremely against heat and bright light.
I used to have depression before I had bipolar.
I am not talented and can never finish something.
I am too particular over smells and hygiene and the place I sleep in.
I am picky but much lesser now.
I don't really enjoy talking sometimes because I can't figure out myself.
I have so many things I don't like about myself and then Jesus said look at him.
He said look at him and don't worry because you will never remain the same when you look at him.
I trust in his glory and grace.
When he died on the cross he thought of me.
He died for me and my sins.
Took away my shame and infirmities.
He will shift back my teeth, heal my heart, he will let my hair grow back and make it possible to hair normal hair and skin.
He uses my body hair to keep me warm and he will find a perfect place for me to feel talented.
He makes me glorious and gracious through the love he gives me. He makes me secure in his love.
He lets me put him in the center and blesses me not only in one direction.
He knows my plans and he have plans for me too.
He will give me the best and he loves me for who I am and all that I am worst for.
God loves us all. But we just need to know it.
He is my solution and saviour.
He took my shame so that I will not be shameful.
He took my sins so that I can be the righteousness of God in Christ.
He took my place so that I don't have to suffer.
He cried out, My God My God, Why have You forsaken thee so that we can cry My God My God why have You so loved me!
Love and acquaintance stood far from him so that we will always be loved and blessed.
Loving God is no sin. Loving God is no shame.
When you are standing in my shoes, you just want to tell the whole world you don't care about your shell, all you ever want is to be filled in the spirit.
And when you put him in the center he blesses your spirit and shell and the ppl you love.
Back to work now.
He loves me for who I am. <3

2011-10-30T15:36:00.002+08:00

I havent really been blogging. Pretty obsessed with twitter and instagram and tumblr and facebook.
And my homeworks.
Life is pretty blessed for me recently. Taking a brand new direction, always putting god in the center, and knowing how loved I am.
I have been free from so many things.
From him. From bipolar. From depression. From being upset about me being me.
I don't care about all of that anymore. When I put Daddy in the center, everything starts going up. And even when I feel down, it's trials that would make me stronger and stronger with the Lord.
Have been really positive and got blessed by my friends and devo groups.
I am just very tired from homework. Keep wanting to play. LOLS.
Gahhh. Okay! Back to work then.
Buhbye! :D

2011-10-19T21:39:00.002+08:00

Really want to go to bed.
Not because I'm tired. But life in art school is simply boring.
You learn new things, yes. And they try to make you all the same. Like a factory.
School itself has lots of restrictions.
I've been through lots of emotional war recently.
Clashing personailities. Bipolar came back for awhile and was very unsettled.
Don't like that feeling. So lost, so helpless. Wanted the Lord so much but I couldn't make up my mind. He came back to my mind, songs from the devil, playing over and over again.
Today I woke up, feeling so much better.
As though I've won a war. I've conquered this trial.
Too many things that I don't like to do. Too little of my own expression.
I am aiming to be a 21st century expressionist.
Why do art about other people's life when mine is devastating enough.
Anyway art is a selfish subject.
It will always be alone.
Don't need anyone else. In the end, we will still be alone so just keep myself like that now.
Hide me in the fridge, I'm fine.
Don't look for me anywhere. I am always here alone. And trying to be.
It's not sad. Well it seems to be alittle.
But I'm happy to be this sad.
To feel life.
God will always let me run back if I ever am close to depression.
Always doing that not because I hate christ.
It's because I love God alot. And my family and friends.
But I also love art.
Keeping a balance is hard.
To run to both extremes will also be a form of balance, don't worry.
Today I've received my new revelation.
Life is like a song.
For us, all our songs are like worship songs.
They are very nice to listen to. Yes. If life has something that is too good, great.
When the song ends, you want a replay. But it's gonna be a whole disk of worship songs.
A one to two second break between but the next song will still be good and full of Jesus.
Life will also be the same. The great thing ends, and you want to rewind.
But that trial will stop one day. And the next blessing will come.
They will be like waves, to sweep away your worries and fears.
I am at peace and not at peace at the same time.
My mind is the only thing that makes me tired.
Too tired to work, I'm going to rest.
Goodbye now. :)

2011-10-18T00:20:00.002+08:00

Oovooing with desiree, rachel and jasmine with my onion head.
Recently am looking for my lost freedom.
That is why I've always been alone.
Because I love freedom so much.
He is another thing. He's above my love for freedom.
Inconfusion. Art is turning my life upside down.
When you start meditating on it, you start to become scared.
So I should meditate on Jesus instead. :)
Life has many limitations. But it's fine. They make some other things fun.
Like breaking the rules etc.
Today my teacher behaved like a real asshole.
Do not judge the book by it's cover. I'm really mugging and after today I am going to stop all these nonsense.
I'm not dumb. :[
Only that my mum said, smart people acts stupid :)
Good night. :)

2011-10-10T21:22:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I've update I guess!
Pretty busy week because assessment is coming.
I've been so blessed and still very blessed nowadays.
I'm healed :) I don't know how to put it but my soul is healed from the past's hurts.
Sometimes even if you don't feel that God is here, he is still here.
I am receiving in alot of blessings and grace.
God is so awesome but sometimes we are just blinded.
Sometimes we stumble on our way and other factors might affect our believes but please do stay close to God. :)
Even if my teacher was mean today, it's okay because he has no idea how much God loves me or him.
Even if my mama and papa ain't christians and might blame me for being one, I am still in love with God. :)
I'm so weak now but God is here to support me. Tears of joy and peace. So overwhelming. Thank you Jesus :) He blesses me and I'm going back to do my indesign :D
<3 :D God bless!

2011-10-03T22:27:00.002+08:00

I feel really blessed with Jesus.
I looked back and realised how times with Jesus were so blessed and happy.
Till I allowed someone else to be my priority. Someone that will never love me as much as I love him.
Today he asked for a favor and yes, I did helped him.
But it's totally at the back of my brain till I was looking at some stuffs.
I used to put him first. My whole life was about him and revolves around him.
At every point, there is always alittle bit of him.
That is why I took so long to let everything pass.
Now that I'm fine being alone. I'm really happy this way.
Sometimes it does come back. But no longer daunting. No longer painful.
Just precious. Memories that are like clouds. Passes by and gives you a fluffy feeling. That's all I need.
And the rest is Jesus and my career and family.
I am always resting. Because I really trust him.
Now, every trial is an opportunity to see Jesus afresh.
And I am receiving that everyday.
Feeling very peaceful.
It's time to do my homework. (: I can't always stone. hahahs.
Wish you're really a dream so I don't have to worry about seeing you and messing myself up.

2011-10-02T01:25:00.002+08:00

Have been struggling this few days.
With almost everything. It sort of revolves.
The worries. All the problems sort of change everyday.
Today I worry about my face. Yesterday about school. Then suddenly it comes together and pushes you down.
Haven't really have something to hold on to to pull me up.
Am very afraid to hold on to anyone because it's hard to trust.
I don't even think I like boys anymore. :\
Today I have been doing my work and trying really hard. I don't know if it's good or not.
I shouldn't be worrying anymore.
Tmr is sunday. Is rest day.
Just trust in the lord, weiting. Not him, not anyone else. Not even yourself.
Just God.
I see how you are trying very hard to stand back up.
I know it's hard but I did and bet you will in time to come.
I am just very irritated by the fact that at this point of time you're the first thing I think of despite all I've believed in.
Despite letting go already.
I keep saying let go. But do you people understand what I'm letting go of?
I am letting go of the memories, the happy times and the disappointments.
I'm throwing the bad and good away at the same time. That is why it's so hard.
I'm over so many things but sometimes I would have moodswings too.
This is the time when I would need to sleep most. Because I tend to think alot.
Good night now then.
Nothing really'd changed. I'm just stress and tired. Over everything. About myself.
In other words it's really simple. It means I don't like myself at all. So how can anyone else like me? (:

2011-10-01T00:16:00.002+08:00

so tired of school.
nothing really seems to be going right.
because I'm not working hard enough. always believing in rest.
and end up resting too much.
alittle shaken but faith is not mine, it is the Lord's.
Am exhausted lately.
nothing seems good and have been receiving so many bad comments about my work.
no confidence at all. fucked up school life.
today after critic i had a strange thought of him.
that how his words would always encourage me but now nothing seems to be working because he ain't there anymore. not even inside.
so miserable. life is so screwed that you just feel like giving up in everything.
i know this is an attack from the devil.
and part of growing up, stepping out of the box.
this time i am alone, without anybody to motivate me out of this.
i have to get used to life without him.
need to depend on God and not him.
Need to learn to grow.
This time it gets more painful and hard.
I'm not by myself. I have God.
I want to do well. I will show everyone a miracle. Like how Joseph still believed even when he was naked and sold. God prepared a crown for him to reign.
I will come back standing strong again.
I'm going to rest now. Shut up devil. you're such a bitch.
I'm going to go and score! :]
Just get well now. :\

2011-09-26T01:23:00.002+08:00

Saving money for my dad so I'm gonna sign off soon. :)
Haven't do my postcards sketches, cup presentation board and history essay.
I'm resting today! Like seriously resting! Hahahs!
Behaving like a happy little girl everyday.
Totally have this problem that I don't behave like how I look or wear. LOLS
Hhahahaha! It's alittle fun though! :D
I'm having the time of my life. Listening to songs that makes me so happy and crazy.
Feel like jumping and dancing around the room. I tell you, I am really so happy I think I'm mad.
LOLS.
Okay. Today I am revealing the secrets to cure yourself from a sucky relationship or broken heart.
HEHE.
1. Delete all your stupid heartbreaking songs and change them to all the happy songs!
2. Find a new partner or just go out and sell yourself! REPLACE!
3. Go to church. And God is really there if you are willing to let everything go!
NOW. I AM NOT DRUNK BECAUSE I DONT DRINK. HAHAHAS.
But I'm so high. I think it's the chocolates just now. LOLS.
Okay! If you don't help yourself, nobody. YEAH NOBODY can help you!
When you feel that you are ready, or you are sinking too deep towards depression, you better learn to save yourself because you are the only person that loves yourself the most!
Well, God first. :D
Okay! That's weiting's advice and I am a little cuckoooooo~
Hope everyday is like I'm on drugs or something. HAHA.
Nights people! School starts tomorrow!
Chill man everyone! Whatever GPA I'm still gonna graduate!
Just feel happy about your work and trust God!
Even if you don't, just PROCLAIM FIRST! xD God will settle the rest because he is always faithful!
So God, I hack my results and trust you! :D
Okay school is a really big turn off. HAHAS. Hope my photographs are good! :D God bless!
Today shared so many revelations so CATCH THEM PEOPLE! :D
Good night!!

2011-09-25T01:06:00.002+08:00

One day I woke up and realised I sort of like you.
Realised how from that day on I sank into a hell lot of mess.
And allowed myself to continue even though I know the consequences.
Only had one thing in mind. You.
It was a long three years and a short three years.
Everything felt like yesterday and there are many things we've missed.
I missed my portion as well.
It took less than a second to fall in love. It took me more than a few years to forget that love.
I've tried all my ways to hold on, and to also let you go.
I was the only one waiting for something to happen.
You, have already moved on and found someone special in your life.
I've been trying hard everyday, waiting for my turn to move on as well.
I've posted many last posts about you and putting you behind.
I've mentioned up to a few hundred times that I'm over you and have already moved on.
I've said up to a few thousand times to friends around me that I've never loved you, or no longer love you.
Do not trust whatever I've said before till tomorrow comes.
I was lying and I was obsess with you.
I would go to facebook to see how you're doing at least 10 times a day.
I would even google you and often pray that I would see you around.
Everytime I see you I would smile and end up crying like a freak after you're gone.
I would pray for you every night and reply immediately when you call.
I would cry almost every night when I tell God I want to forget you.
Everytime I draw I would imagine you in my classroom and keep quiet to hear you talk.
I've gone insane. Yes, I did.
All of that started fading this year. And I was become more and more normal.
Till I saw you recently.
Adjusting all the time.
I know how this usually happens. I would really feel that I've forgotten you and then that feeling comes back again because I wanted to play tug a war with God.
Today I've made up my mind to just let God win.
I'm gonna get over you. Tonight is the night.
It took me three years to do this.
Ever since you left I should have known how you don't really care.
I don't hate you. I like you. As a person.
Really loved you as well.
I've moved on and am doing well these few days.
I don't care how you feel now.
Or how you're gonna live your life.
I'm not going to look back and keep regretting for the rest of my life.
I don't need someone to replace you so that I can live better as well.
I won't care about what you think or say. I won't do art for you.
I do it because I love it.
I don't care if you don't reply me. :)
I'm perfectly off without you.
If my feelings for you ever come back again, I will just point them to the cross.
It's already taken away from me for good.
I believe I met you for a reason and I'm sure I've grown during these few years.
Current song track is Gonna get over you by Sara bareilles.
Forget you is also good :)
Just change the playlist and move on like a dude.
I'm gonna have fun. Even if my mood swings come.
Still gonna have fun.
And at the same time thank God for his mercy and love and favour and blessings on a girl like me.
Good night (:
I'm bless. And will keep asking for more.

2011-09-24T01:21:00.002+08:00

Have been doing quite well.
Very disturbed by my new history teacher.
I really love history. But now everything is getting screwed.
I'm gonna be a good teacher in order to motivate my students in the future.
Now adays have been listening to more positive songs.
Sara bareilles is really awesome.
I'm learning to move on each day and hoping that no feelings will come back anymore.
Looking forward to better days and better results compared to the past.
Will trust God for favour in my work and me :)
Everything will be fine. Even if I suck at art, God can still spam miracles and grace and favour on me.
So many ups and downs. My mood swings are crazy.
Just nice, I've been in the right mood lately.
Very awake but it's late now and I better go rest.
Putting you behind, and letting other things comfort me instead of your presence.
And Lord I just pray that my history teacher will improve and not be such a pervert.
And that our evil plans will not be exposed.
LOLS.
I'm gonna get over you boy. Someday.

2011-09-21T00:52:00.003+08:00

I'm taking a restart.
I'm putting the memories together and throwing them away.
I'm becoming a stronger person everyday while I no longer rely on your shoulders or hands.
I have had many restarts in my life.
Each time I fall into the wrong hole. I climbed back up myself and move on.
This is not the first time. When they all left, and ahma died. I know how I grabbed your hand to climb out.
Now I've learnt to move on. And am trying hard to face myself everynight.
I don't want to know about you and your ex.
Don't want to understand your circumstance or how you're feeling.
Don't need this kind of life anymore.
I can't be so pathetic without you.
Please, Lord.

2011-09-19T20:10:00.002+08:00

Lost all my contacts.
I didn't remember your new number.
Have been busy recently. So tired over work.
But it keeps me going because I would have lesser time to think about you.
Now when I think about you, it's like how I was before we last seen each other.
Have been so pathetic.
Always want to go back. But I am trying so hard to look forward to the present and future.
You are going through a hard time right now.
At least you were once with her. At least you can tell the world about this feeling because it's right.
And I would always be pushing all my thoughts to the night.
To keep this to myself and never mention a word about this awkward relationship between two friends.
Don't want to ask for much. Don't want to dream too much.
Keep the feelings up and store them in a jar.
When I'm doing my work I would take someout to share to the viewers.
Don't want to think about a future without you.
I want a future where you are not part of it anymore.
I don't want to die in this misery.
Don't want to see your face again. Don't want to contact you anymore.
All of the contacts are lost for a reason.
Give me a year. I will be well by then.
Just don't appear please. Not even pass if you ever see me on the street.
Don't talk to me to ask me how am I. Don't tell me you need help in your work.
I just need to shut myself up.
School, family,friends, God. Should be more than enough.
I'm too greedy to say I like you.
Too greedy about what I can have and what I don't deserve.

2011-09-17T22:07:00.002+08:00

I don't need you to come back.
It's just that sometimes when I look back while I'm alone, that you're no longer here with me anymore.
Nobody to share the happy moments, the funny jokes, the disappointments in life, the difficulties I've faced and solved and the tired days.
Nobody to laugh with. Nobody to quarrel with.
I've never faced a problem I can't solve calmly.
Am always able to praise God no matter what problem it is.
But for you, I would still thank God, at least you've been part of my life before.
I just can't sort out the thoughts or to forget anything.
I've tons of work waiting for me.
Better get going. There's nothing that I can do now.
There is nothing to save when we ain't even together before.
Good night now, I'm gonna stay till morning. (:

2011-09-17T01:09:00.002+08:00

Because she don't know you enough.
But that's not important in your relationship.
She won't appreciate how gentle you would be, how sensitive and caring you can be.
I have being sorting out my thoughts this few days.
Realise how slow I am.
Everytime I am happy with you, the pain slowly seeps in and would tear open the wound again.
When it's no longer me, ever since two years ago. I should have woke up.
But dreams would be the most realistic thing in my life. I just want to keep going.
Now I am feeling the ache. By myself. Again.
Life goes on everyday. Without you.
I am getting pretty used to it already. Every thought about you makes my head ache.
And heart ache.
Always praying for you, being there for you if you need me, giving everything up for you.
Even deciding my future based on your influences.
But I don't regret going to Nafa.
A tight slap on my face. Those words are like that.
I've really decided this time.
To just go and start afresh now.
Putting you into the little corner of my heart.
Cry for a few nights, remove you from all my work.
Get a new boyfriend and treat them like a fool.
Just like how you've treated me.
Like a big fool.
On the other hand, I've never really blamed you about it.
It takes two hands to clap.
I'm so tired of you in my head.
So tired of myself behaving like an idiot.
Don't know how to draw without thinking about you.
Don't know how to travel alone without thinking about you.
Don't know how to sing a song without thinking about you.
Don't know how to get motivated for art without thinking about you.
I can't continue things like this.
No more love songs. No more tomorrows. No more procrastinating when it comes to forgetting you.
I can't handle anymore of this.
Three years, enough. Let it go Weiting, let everything pass for good.
No point forcing. No point waiting.
No point crying over spilt milk.

2011-09-14T22:17:00.002+08:00

I didn't start anything with him.
I have nothing to end.
I really like him alot. But we still don't know if feelings were or are mutual.
I have deleted most of the photos and works.
I am removing everything about you from my life. But not from my mind.
I see how you are so sad and that makes me very sad too.
Over several issues. But it's okay.
I need to step out of your shadow. I need to forget about that yesterday.
I don't want anything from you anymore.
You make me so happy with your presence. But when I get comfortable you would disappear.
I don't want to be dependant on anyone anymore.
I see how you are trying hard to move on but you would never try as hard as I am trying.
Because it's not real, I can't tell anybody about how I feel.
It's not about the things you do for me. It's about being with you.
I am going to move on after thinking about it this few days.
After meeting up with you and being so close for 2 hours.
It's enough to end all this.
It hurts to leave everything behind. But it will hurt more if I don't accept the truth and move on.
Three years of bliss, torture and love.
It's enough for my journey now.
Really really still like you but there is nothing I can do about it. :)
I don't want to end up like a fool.
Don't want to end up a fool for you.

2011-09-14T14:17:00.001+08:00

If it's possible. Let her do it instead. I won't blame you.

2011-09-13T00:17:00.002+08:00

Hard to fight this feelings.
Dying to stay alive.
Mood goes on and off. Once I'm not distracted I fall back again.
Can't get you out of my mind.
As long as I don't see you. Pretend that you're a dream. Everything will be fine.
As long as you don't come near. Don't speak. Don't touch.
I will be fine.
I will keep away from you now.
No matter who you are giving up. It's not me. :)
So weiting, stop imagining and forget everything that happened yesterday.
Don't worry about his pain. And don't give yourself any.
Today I would love you with all I have. And cry all of the love out.
Today I would remember everything we've done together. And today I will feel your pain for you.
Today I would pray for your future. Today I would believe in you.
Today I would love you, for the last time.
Tomorrow, I will bid goodbye.
Tomorrow onwards I won't meet you again. Even if I really want to.
Tomorrow there won't be you in my life anymore.
Yesterday would be history. Is already history.
Won't break me down like this anymore.
I don't want to be stupid just because I love you.

2011-09-12T01:00:00.002+08:00

I am not honest with myself.
When it's your call, I pick up as quickly as possible. When you message me, I reply immediately.
When you ask for me, I would run there as fast as I could.
When you tell me to stay, I would break my curfew and stay alittle longer.
And I did longboarding despite being so scared of those stuffs. I don't even cycle.
When I promised I would go, I knew that all good things would come to an end.
I had lots of fun with you.
I don't know who you're trying to let go.
Even if it's me, it's alright. And if it's not, it's okay.
We've already missed it. But when we are together I'm so comfortable.
I don't mind standing close to you. Don't mind you holding my hands. or waist. Or me holding ur shoulders, or hands.
Don't mind leaning to take a picture. Dont mind doing things I don't like.
Love, made me a 100 percent idiot.
I lost myself, and gave in like a girl.
No, I shouldn't be like this anymore.
None of this even make sense.
So many years have passed. And I no longer understand how to love.
I don't know if it's a habbit, or is it really true that I still like you.
Nothing seems real right now. I think I need to sleep.
Like my friend said, just sleep. Tmr will be fine.
Don't like reality. It's way too clear to me.
Can't bear to let you go. Like how you can't bear to let her go.
I need to sleep. Seriously. I feel like fainting more.
I must stop thinking. Nothing is right right now.

2011-09-10T16:16:00.003+08:00

" Well, the dogs are whistling a new tune, barking at the new moon. Hoping it would come soon, so that they could die. "
Doing my homework now but I still can't download my CS5.5 trial for Indesign :\
And of course, always as distracted as usual.
Today I got distracted by this awesome weather.
Sitting in my sister's room, with the windows opened, and with the fan turned on.
The cold breeze no longer feels sharp like the past.
The rain feels comfortable.
And I would think about my days and my tomorrows in my seat.
Listening to All Good Things Come To An End.
A disturbing memory. Of him.
Pushing me into the room with my friend. Struggling to close the door while I tried to open it.
I don't like how you assume how I like him. Don't like anyone to assume anything.
It used to scare me really much. That incident.
But I am still friends with my friend now. I'm not angry with him anymore.
And you would no longer remember anything between anyone from his past.
I've chose to forget all those bad memories.
Now they no longer haunt me.
Even the good ones, slowly fades away. Because they sometimes make me regret.
It's good that my resolution this year is going to come true.
To forget you.
It would make my life a happier one. Make my art a lonelier one.
Don't want your hate, don't want your love. Don't want you anymore.
Like how you would abandon me easily.
Don't hate you. Don't love you anymore. Don't think you would want me either.
Every end is a new beginning. Every lost is for our own benefit.
Don't need another you, don't need another man to hurt me. Don't need love. I have enough of them to keep me alive now.
It no longer whistles. It's gone.
It's dead.
:) Byebye.

2011-09-10T01:17:00.002+08:00

It's been a tired day today. But I had a great friday today.
Thank God for my friends. We all played a part in making our day a happy one today. A very happy one.
Had lots of fun today and am still laughing till this hour.
Am feeling very sleepy!
Recent song would be All good things come to an end by Nelly.
Eventually that song is really true.
Even he came to an end.
But today we've realised something together. And it would always be a constant reminder to me.
That every end is a new beginning.
No matter what kind of ending.
Fairy tales would always have a happy ending. If it's not happy, it means that the ending ain't here yet.
God will walk through this with me.
And as I slowly step out of a life without him, I will grow and become somebody.
I should do my homework tmr. Like seriously DO.
Marcus's work and think about Keneath's project.
Kurtis's work can delay. And paintings too.
So I am determined! To finish up my icecream, and recent poster design, and touch up my previous work for the tibits and poster.
Okay! And I shall wake up at 10! OKOK.
Hais so determined hope I can do it :D
Me, Des and Rach have been laughing for 10 hours.
Hhaha. Really enjoyed today :) Thank you friends!
Have been alittle upset thinking about other stuffs but I guess I only think about him when I am alone, and lonely. Because it wasn't like this.
Now everything is enough. Just hope that nothing ends so quickly :), like you.

2011-09-08T21:45:00.002+08:00

It's Thursday. I'm gonna do my cup later. Gonna do Marcus' works tmr after school.
And Think about keneath's work tmr.
Gonna take pictures on Saturday. And do painting if I'm not.
Have been feeling down recently because of my history class.
Wednesday made me felt a lot better.
Just now I was thinking about what to do for my cup holder.
And I was just standing at my door, looking at the scenary from there.
Everytime I look at the sky, it reminds me of you. Because no matter where we are, we would always be under that same cover.
But this time while I was looking, I sort of feel that our experiences together ain't great at all. It was short, and loveless. It caused me lots of pain and struggles. Misunderstandings and words that were not sensitive enough.
They were all far from now now. They were like dreams.
And I can no longer remember your face. Or your voice.
Your name, so distant.
Who are you to me? I can't remember anymore.
And when I came online you appear again.
I feel uncomfortable about it. About forgetting you and ur existance but you appear like you are really real.
That you were something that once happened in my life.
It's unbelievable. Anybody is possible. But how could I be in your life?
Am I worthy? How we were complete strangers. And in love, and friends, and complete strangers.
This cycle is a pain.
I'm going to do my work.
I know you miss her, not me, or anyone else. It's another girl I know.
Even if when you say winter sonata.
(:

2011-09-06T21:42:00.002+08:00

And I love you so.
Today my history teacher really behaved like a real sucker.
And I am very upset and pissed of.
I am going to make his life difficult :]
Sometimes I just get so pissed of, but I would always give in.
This is kind of attitude makes me so fed up. :\
I am so tired right now. And I need to do my ice cream homework for indesign.
Hais. So many things going on today. Alittle lagging.
Not in the mood to do anything. But there is no break tmr for me to do my work.
I will just work faster right now then.
_____________________________________________________
How lonely life can be. The shadows follow me, and the night won't set me free.
And now that you're not around me, the evening gets me down.
________________________________________________________
Been very blessed this few days. After appreciating the Lord's love and favour for me more.
Today just don't feel as good but this is the time for unmerited favour and grace. (:
Work harder then, I believe in good grades from my God :)
Have been thinking whether if you've left the town. But you didn't. Just gone for awhile.
During this time I've grown alot. I've even stopped 'Reminiscing'. and removed all the memories without looking at it. It's permanently gone. So extra copies of any photos.
Yes I know, how loveless life can be.
But we're not meant to be.
Oh Gosh, this song is so sad. Back to work now.
byebye :)

2011-09-03T23:40:00.002+08:00

Thank you God. For the angels you've placed in my life.
All the friends and people around me that is constantly keeping me together.
I had a very bad headache today. Joscelin prayed for me and it was gone and she really blessed me with lots of attention I need.
I had a very bad night yesterday. Wanying talked to me to make sure I feel better.
I was feeling horrible today and Michelle posted an awesome song on my wall.
I didn't really feel good but Desiree made my day and we had an awesome time at china town.
I felt shitty in the morning, waking up with a frown, and Alex would always post very weird and funny things on facebook for me.
All the little details in my life, really matters.
I'm going to just kick away my bad habits of remembering him.
I don't know what to believe in him anymore. I'm so shaken.
But now I just want to feel happy about my life. And hope that every tomorrow would be good.
God will always be with me. Even if I don't talk about it. I know he loves me alot and pours his favour on me.
If that guy was a liar then so be it. If he was sincere, then so be it too.
It's all gone.
And art, will not make me lose my mind.
I will find a way to balance it with my relationship with God.
So tired. But it's a peaceful feeling today.

2011-09-03T00:55:00.002+08:00

Was listening to epik high, one minute one second. As usual. I would always, revolve around this few songs.
strange sun, wedding dress, one minute one second, stranger, tonight, time to love.
I have so many emotions on friday nights. Hahahs.
I always have many different perceptions about him.
Good, bad, extremes.
What is the truth, after 3 years I still don't know the answer. I'm so tired.
Life will not rewind like that song.
Not even a single second.
Don't know who you really are, don't know what to believe in.
Thanks WY! (: for being there.
Today's devo is to turn your cares into prayers.
I don't want to know the truth.
Yet.
Because I am not sure if I really love art. For a correct reason.
Now let's just go on. I should really grow out of it to save my friends from worrying (:

2011-09-02T21:09:00.002+08:00

I've been looking through your pictures.
And now I don't recognise you. Who is this boy in those pictures.
He looks so familiar, but I forgot who this is.
I know your name, and know your name fits that face.
But to me it was like a face of a stranger.
We are so apart. Not like how we used to.
Can sense your presence but I could never see your face.
Maybe your back view. The image of you leaving was so clear, even till now I can only recognise him like that.
It's Friday. Friday Night is the most awesome thing in the whole week.
And I'm enjoying this night. I don't want anybody to disturb me.
Just stoning and thinking about life, as usual. Just that Fridays are those days where we sum up all the emotions and wake ourselves up.
Today, I've received favour and mercy from my God.
He is very kind towards me. Thank you so much Daddy.
Every time I would tell God about that 16 year old boy and ask for help.
Every time I'm about to forget I would regret and take them all back to myself.
I end up in tears again. So stupid, so pathetic.
Once someone else comes into my life, I would push them all away just to keep you safe.
I'm so dumb, right?
I sank so deep into this love that no longer exist.
At least, on the bright side, this keeps my work going.
Have been spamming chocolates for three days.
Have fun in the toilet. But don't worry, I'm bless :)
Time to go do some reminiscing.
Forgetting his face is something I'm so scared of.
His name slowly becomes more vague in my head.
The memories blurs off.
I would post about him everyday.
And sometimes I wonder do I really love him. If I do, I should have let things go.
I'm so upset, do you know?
We almost had it all and I don't know what happened.
I am so angry with myself I would want to just stomp my feet and make a great fuss. I'm frustrated.
I'm so upset we lost everything. Were you lying or was I the only one trying?
How can all this even make sense, you woke up the next day and started to think of ending every shit.
But the memories were so true. And I was the only one holding on to it sincerely.
Fuck. Go ahead with your life and leave me at where I am now.
The words you've used hurt me so easily and you never fail to do it with your own mood swing going on.
And I would just have to accept them like an idiot.
Because I am an idiot to fall in love.
Then you come back after a year with a better attitude.
What nonsense is this? You need help again?
I would always give you what you need and want.
And you know I love you. And hate to see you like that.
Are you really true to me? Or using me?
I have so many question marks in my head.
You disappear and appear, as and when you like.
And love and don't love, as and when you want.
I'm not a toy. And I'm in so much pain.
I don't want to believe again.
Whoever that is. I never would want to.
Because trusting that the other person for not hurting you, is the stupidest thing ever.
And now I am just stuck with the memories before everything fell.
Before everything disappeared. It was like poof.
And we were gone.
I'm crazy. Oh God.

2011-09-01T22:36:00.002+08:00

Love is sweet. It makes you want to wake up every morning.
It makes you look forward to your day. It keeps you motivated and makes you smile alone whenever you think of your partner.
Love is bitter. It hurts you and numbs your heart. It makes you cry no matter what music you listen to. It makes you grow alittle more than you've expected, and also makes you alittle stupid than usual. It makes you give in, makes you weak, makes you dependant on your partner, and leaves you in pain by yourself.
Love is generous. It makes you want to give. It's the reason why you're stupid. It takes away your trust, for something that makes you happy. It's security and insecurity as you give. It's loving someone more than yourself. It's to be in pain but forgetting about that pain, just to make sure the other is happy.
Love is whatever that makes me me.
It made me a happy person. A girl that would smile no matter where I was. Even in my sleep. I was on cloud nine. And then it brought me to my knees. It hurt me beyond description. It made me stupider than usual. It made me a girl with no aspirations. All I ever wanted was to do whatever that makes him happy. It made me scared. So scared to loose him and to loose myself. It made me insecure. It made me to what I am today.
Without trust, security and love.
With selfish aspirations and dreams. With no sense of direction but pushing so hard to somewhere that I don't know. I just want to be somebody else.
But I know when I live in this place, in art, I'm never myself.
I've always wanted to be a housewife. That dream no longer exist. It's not practical. It's not necessary anymore.
The thought about him makes me so scared of the future. So tired to do anything, even my homework.
I'm dying inside every night and another person every day.
Love gave me bipolar.
My greediness caused me a life I've expected and accepted but never really wanted.
I know if I step closer to you I would hurt even more. But I can't go away like that.
Please don't just ignore me. I'm desperate of your presence.
I'm losing it everyday minute.
If you are even reading, can you please tell me in the face that you not longer love me anymore? Or maybe you never did?
That I was an idiot that fell into it myself.
Even if what happened was so true.
please kit.
please. God, this is crazy.
I am, crazy.

2011-08-30T15:34:00.003+08:00

Am waiting for Desiree and Rachel to come to my place to do project.
Opened the windows, turned on the fan.
The warmth of the sunlight, and the breeze from both the wind and the fan.
I play the song, Strange Sun. The one we both agree of it's pleasant tune.
I have my black hair. No make up on. And I feel like I'm still 16.
I look around the room. And notice my canvas.
I got stung.
I saw you helping me varnish my canvas in the artroom. With the same sun, same wind, same black hair, same song in our heads.
It's so beautiful, it makes you want to cry.
Occasionally I would think of you. And whatever you've said.
Feeling happy, then devastated, then scared.
Now I'm scared.
And now I'm happy.
Now I am sad.
So many nows. I can't stop thinking.
It's changing with the notes in that music. So quickly, but with so much pain.
When the music ends, I'm lost. Which year is this?
I sort of got kicked back to the present. To the now that no longer involves you.
To the now when art becomes a painful and lonely pleasure.
To find you in my work and to pretend to be fine without you.
I have more things to worry about and I know that.
My family, friends, and maybe you.
Whatever that is not yours might be for your own good. Is it really true, or just an excuse we use because we can't have it?
You're a good person. And maybe someone out there needs you more than I do. And you would need her as much as me.
bye now then :)

2011-08-26T23:00:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday to joscelin.
Today is a little emotional. It's so emotional, I would even stop thinking about him.
I just feel that friendship should never expire. Should never be gone so easily.
I love my friends very much. Even if I'm a horrible person. At least I'm sincere to my friends.
Everything takes two hands to clap. I'm getting tired.
I can't continue and I don't know how to try hard anymore.
I'm so sad about it. I hate myself for being such a lousy friend.
I am so selfish and don't want anyone to leave me in my life. Like how ahma did, like how he did.
Is it because of the way I think, talk, doings? Because I'm mental?
I just wish that nothing would change. No matter who it is.
I really cherish our friendship. More than that idiotic guy in my life that affects me.
The only reason I would think of him it's because I am at peace when I am assure and confident about my friends being there for me.
I'm scared. And so upset about it. Not angry, not jealous, just not at peace.
I will just trust in the lord upon this helpless feeling.
No matter the years, the bond will always keep getting stronger, and at the same time more fragile.
I won't give up. No matter whatever it is.
I love my friends, and nothing is going to make us fall apart. Or break me down.
I am having bad moodswings. Laughing, crying, laughing, crying, laughing.
My new cream is getting washed off badly.
I should just go to sleep.
Good night. I'm really scared.

2011-08-26T01:49:00.002+08:00

It's almost 2. Having aches everywhere!
But doing some stuffs. Happy Birthday to joscelin leong!
ahaha. Secondary school is very interesting.
We would meet people that we never thought would love, like, hate, be friends forever.
Listening to love the way you lie by rihanna only.
Guess she've never expected chris brown to be like that.
Never thought that it would turn so evil.
Never thought that nothing can continue right now.
So many never thoughts.
When the person you really love disappoints you.
It really hurts more than limping chiwawas.
Okay~ 5 mre to paint! I shall continue first (:

2011-08-23T21:49:00.002+08:00

As I leave that place, everything fades.
A fictional last few days, and epilogue ends and hangs.
Everything that happened is fictional.
It ended and everything just stopped. Every emotion of love I had, was expected to stop. Every warmth I've received stopped as well.
And everything hangs there. Including myself. I can't reach the top, I can't touch the ground.
I don't know where I am now.
And this vicious cycle, happens every night.
Today's painting lesson, I totally screwed up my work.
Feeling awful about the lesson but history lesson was fine. Very interesting teacher.
Abit touchy LOL. But very hardworking towards creating a bond in our class, I think?
Stuck with a stupid cup homework and thank God Tony let us delay the presentation. So nice.
Not stress at all. Just that photography gonna have alittle bit of problem. God bless, hope everything will be good. (:
Whatever happens, we stay strong.
P.S., mr tan might seem to be old and eccentric, but he makes alot of sense. And I have had a good lesson learned today. (:

2011-08-22T22:50:00.002+08:00

Today my watch spoil.
It stopped working.
I looked for my warranty card and realised I bought it on the 30 August 2009.
I've changed the belt before, once.
And there are also many scars on the glass.
My leather is wrinkled and it's turning soft.
Time passes by so quickly. 2 years have passed and I wonder how many rounds did the hands turn.
It was 2009. I saw him wearing a brown leather watch from 25 hour. While we do our work together I notice that watch. While I hold his sleeves I would notice that watch. He just wore it. So I asked him if I could try the watch. It was big. He had a strong wrist, but I never notice it was bigger than I thought. He's not fat, he is real fit. And often pretended to be sick.
I thought I should get a watch too. So I went to the same shop. And bought one.
He was washing his brushes beside me. And he wet his watch. I took care of mine.
I told him to take it out so that I can dry it for him.
He did, and I cleaned it carefully.
He said it's okay, anyhow clean. I said no, it's very expensive. And he said, really? My mom bought it for me so I just wear it.
I realise how you would just wear it for the sake of your mom. That watch means nothing to you. But mine means a total different story.
I think he tried my watch too.
All the memories are fading away. Everything becomes vivid and vague.
I am losing alot of them. And can no longer differentiate my life and my dreams.
I have already lost you. And I should be more clear than anyone else.
I am going to paint alone, draw alone, wash my brushes alone.
I am going to study alone, and brain storm alone, and never think about you.
My songs are those that sings about the missing you and my works are those with the pain of losing you.
The anger and pain. How you didn't hold tight and how I let it go as well.
How I'm treated so light now and am the only one remembering stupid stuffs.
I should just get a new watch.
Even if I can't bear too. I have had enough scratches already.
You don't even remember a single shit.
And I shouldn't even be in dilemma everyday.

2011-08-21T19:31:00.002+08:00

3am. I was listening to the song he posted on his wall.
And I posted about how if those words ain't for me, I would really hurt.
And then I went to bed. And had a dream like that.
And it was a terribly interesting nightmare.
It felt so real. That's how true dreams can feel.
Everytime I think about you it's like a dream.
I'm alone at home. Doing history projects.
Want to work hard like you.
Want to be even better than you.
But you picked design. I picked fine art.
We won't crash I guess. After this 1 and half more years I can focus on fine arts already.
And can finally stop asking you questions for all sorts of weird reason.
Can finally stop understanding you and focus on something else.
I'm not stupid. I am just stubborn.
Can you understand that?
When you say talk tmr I will wait. Even if you won't talk tmr.
If you need help I can give up my favourite sleep for you.
I don't need a relationship because I am freaking stuck with this boy I like for a blardy three years and we no longer behave like how we used to so I call it a crush.
It's not true. Stop staying.
Relationships makes me stupid. Makes me hopelessly stupid.
I don't want them anymore.
I need to leave you jo. I need to.
How did you throw everything behind and not care about me anymore.
How can you just let them slowly fade away and not panic.
How can I keep being so stubborn. Letting my life end like a pitiful person.
Hahhaha. Back to work now. Mood swings. :\ They are so funny.
I don't talk about it because I don't want to remember. :) don't worry I am fine.
So many things that I find too heavy to bring along this journey. But I would just insist, and end up being so tired.
Goodbye. Oh, and it's curry day. LOL. And my mum cooked curry without realising it is. :)

2011-08-21T02:36:00.000+08:00

Because if those words were for someone else, I would have hurt so bad.
I, rather not know the truth.

2011-08-21T01:09:00.004+08:00

School is starting to becoming more like a school.
Nights are more like nights with air con.
I am becoming more like a crazy women each day.
I'm very tired. And still need more sleep.
Cutting down like half of my sleep already!
The amount of homeworks are like the amount of hair on the floor.
It's not alot, just that I don't like them, so they start to pile up.
Recently facing quite a number of problems in my life.
But what's life without them.
So, knowing that God knows everything like me playing tiny tower, I will just trust him and believe that he will settle all my problems.
I just need to handle my emotions in a much more appropraite manner.
I shouldn't do quite a number of things.
For example, I shouldn't keep talking to you. I also should stop telling God I want to see you. Everytime I see you I end up becoming more eccentric. I become more weak.
I become more like a girl.
We are strangers, aren't we? (:
We should always know how a relationship that never worked out is still considered a crush.
How this crush crushes us and keeps us away from many other things.
Away from another relationship, away from the things outside the comfort zone. I keep pushing myself out. Consistantly for 3 years. No, nothing is working. Something must be wrong somewhere.
My life is in a mess. Give them to God, and I end up taking them back from him because I can't bear to throw it away.
Siao.
My life isn't about myself until I'm alone.
Until I face myself and talk to myself about my day. About the things that bother me. About the things that upset me, about the things that makes me happy.
About the past that ruins the future. About the future that keeps me in the past.
About how fast I'm growing and how I want to stay behind.
Okay stop.
There is something we all have to know.
You can never understand a mad person. Because whatever they tell you is no longer how they think. They've already lost their thinking.
And I am just having a moodswing now because I am tired. Especially at night. :)
Good night, and tmr should be a better day.

2011-08-21T01:09:00.001+08:00

dying inside.

2011-08-19T00:10:00.001+08:00

I love him.
But now I love art more. (:

2011-08-17T23:47:00.002+08:00

Today finally ended. It was a good Wednesday.
I was browsing facebook and saw this age thing that looked pretty interesting.
So I started to think about my life at different stages.
So why not lets blog about it. :)
When I was 1, I had no idea but I'm sure I was crying. LOL.
When I was 2 to 4 I can't remember. But when I was about to turn 5 I felt like I've woke up from something while I was watching cartoon. And from that day I feel like I'm on earth, living.
When I was 5 I remember I went to kindergarten. I scolded my teachers, and was extremely racist towards indians.
When I was 6 I had a crush on this guy from another class. And I would always get scolded and stand outside the classroom.
When I was 7 I got bullied in primary school and couldn't find good friends.
When I was 8 I met a bitch that put all them blame on me after she went around stealing people's things.
When I was 9 my mum's mother died and I was devastated. And I met a few other friends.
When I was 10 I started going to church with my sister but only enjoyed music there.
When I was 11 I betrayed a very good friend of mine.
When I was 12 another friend of mine turned her back on me.
When I was 13 I decided to be a good girl in jwss but it turned out pretty screwed.
When I was 14 my best friend turned her back from me because of her girlfriend and I had to accept weird rumours.
When I was 15 my grandma died. I met the 2 wrong guys in my life and my friend betrayed me. Then I had a problem that almost got me into a police case. I am sorry towards my friend in the boys home. I thank God for great friends I've found at that period of time too. It was a year of grace. I fell in love with art. And someone else that kept my life on track. Before that I suffered from depression because of the betrayal but realised how I shouldn't even care about the two of them. sucks.
When I was 16 I was really into art and him. We were like together but in the end we didn't, work out anything. It was a tough period in life. To watch him leave, or watch him turn his back sometimes after all we've been through.
Nothing seemed real, even him. I had bipolar.
When I was 17 I started to sink deeper into missing this relationship. I had many attacks and almost fell into depression. I finally found my religion as a relationship and got back on track as I step into nafa.
I am so blessed in this school. Finally in a more normal life and place. But art is a real torture. Too many memories left behind.
I am 18 now. I am currently on my way to forget a very important person. I am coping with my mood swings and catching up in school. I have found 5 very awesome people in my life.
Liyi, Joscelin, Desiree, Rachel and Gigi! (:
I really enjoy school and am glad that I can get away from so many problems when I am busy.
I am eating normally already and am on my way to finishing my stupid cup project LOLS.
Okay I really feel like I am right here right now. Hahaha.
Growing is a very interesting process. And a good life would never bring me to where I am now.
I am still growing, well. And when I start to teach in the future, it would be an even more interesting and exciting life.
I've changed so much sometimes I can't recognise myself.
Good night to everyone then. My fingers are getting tired and I think I should start doing work. :)
P.s. I am really contented and happy now. I often miss alot of things but I guess I am growing out of it. :)
Buhbye!

2011-08-16T22:21:00.002+08:00

Realised that if I think of you too much, I can't work properly.
Realised how even if the mind is set, as long as you are not replaced, I would have to go through this everyday.
Memories are so scary.
As long as you are lonely, they would fill in the gap for you.
I don't want to replace you. Don't want to forget you. And I would keep escaping from the fact that I have to.
When I saw another friend beside you, I felt so horrible.
I am no longer beside you. Not even as a friend.
Saw how full your life is. That there is no longer a special space for me, like the one I have for you.
I wish you were here. To listen to me again.
To hear about how horrible a day I have today.
Or how happy I was during some parts of the day.
Today I got pretty pissed with the history stuff but looking back I find my anger redundant.
I often imagine what he would do if he is around.
Then I would come down, and then go into another feeling.
I hope that one day I would make more sense and stop thinking about something that no longer exist.
I pity myself for being like this.
I have always been well planned no matter what it was.
But when it comes to you, I would drop everything and run towards you.
Don't. He is no longer him.
We need to straighten things properly between me and myself.
Everything will be better soon. I guess this is how my illness work. But I thought I got better already.
I hate bipolar. Hate how I can't control what I want to control.
You know how suicide works?
When you can't find anything else to control. When everything becomes the same to you. When you are numb and in grieve.
When you feel that you've let everyone down and you can't find the solution.
And when it's time you hurt yourself.
But you know, after that, you wake up and convince yourself, this is just the devil's voice beside your ears.
When you allow all of that to go into your head, you would miss how many things in life.
This is what I've been through. And I know it better than anyone else.
I didn't do it for anyone or something. It was a terrible emotion.
It was a terrible period of depression.
And when someone lifts you up, and gives you alittle more warmth, you would want to cling to him because we all greed for that love.
That's what I fell into.
Some say it's love.
I say, I saw the light.
He was an angel in my life.
God puts him in my life for a reason.
Now I have to depend on myself.
Please weiting, please be more awake. You are falling into a weird part of your mind your post don't even make sense.
I'm too tired I guess.
But this is what happens at night.
Ask him to stop whispering.
Ask him to stop pollution his image in my mind.
Ask him to stop giving me multiple personalities.
God. please.

2011-08-15T01:15:00.002+08:00

I would always do things with a reason, or for a reason.
I would never do anything for the sake of doing it. I was never nice because I am. I was nice because I want something.
I didn't behave like a christian.
I was not gracious because I am a gracious person, never was thinking for others because of others.
I lived in my own world. I only cared about myself.
I am not good to God, or enemies, or some friends.
I cared little for almost everything but I never failed to keep my mind to this guy. Even after so many years.
I was only true to him.
I didn't do anything for him for a reason.
For a motive, no.
Maybe only one reason. That I would do everything for him, and give the whole world to him.
I would behave like a weird girl. Talked softer and scolded less vulgarities. Pick up better english, and work harder for art.
I would pretend I don't care and do everything behind the back.
I would become more emotional and keep every moment and word into my mind.
I would be nice because I really want to and become a more ethical person.
It's because I love him.
And that unintentional change made me who I am right now.
I understood how I should love my family. Love my religion. Be serious when I don't have to.
To be funny when it's the least expected.
But we are both not confident.
But you are good at alot of things.
And I would hear about you no matter where I am.
I've finally learnt how to live like a human.
How to be a better girl.
How to have a personality.
How to feel sad. Like you.
But be'cos I miss you. While you miss somebody else.

2011-08-14T01:17:00.002+08:00

The world is so small.
And I wish I can keep you out of my world.
Yet these things are just hard to be controlled.
Sometimes I really wish you don't come by to say hi.
But when you leave I would want you more. And more.
Like drugs.
And that is why I wish you ain't here.
To give hope, to let hope lead to greed, to pain.
I don't know what I'm saying or feeling. This feeling comes and goes as it likes to.
As long as I keep you out of sight, it would all be fine.
Just bare with this period without you. I've been through this many times.
This time, I should do it even better.
Forcing and pushing myself is the only way to grow.

2011-08-11T23:30:00.002+08:00

love makes me so pathetic.
so i gave it up for a life without pressures or worries.
but why am i still like the fool? the love fool.

2011-08-11T23:09:00.002+08:00

I hate how you come and go as you like.
I hate how I have to talk to you like I don't really care.
I hate how I behave like a slut so that you won't mind being around.
I hate how our conversations become so uncomfortable.
Hate how I don't know how to handle my feelings towards you.
Hate how you make me so happy, and ends up in a thunder storm.
I'm so tired but I have homework to submit tmr. :(

2011-08-10T20:50:00.003+08:00

Scarborough Fair by Celtic Woman.
You treat everyone so well. Take jokes and retaliate.
Can't you scold me? Or be alittle meaner like how you used to?
We are talking like friends and I hate that.
I hate to think about how we are friends, or even , were friends.
The song title, the first sentence. Yeah. He once was a true love of mine.
How I had dreams today of how we were but I woke up knowing that it was because I'm useful.
But then again, this is not a fully reliable statement because sometimes he is just so natural. A good person.
I feel very affected by you, in any little way.
You make me smile like I've gotten straight As, even for the most stupid joke you have.
Thinking about you would hurt me so much as long as I remember the memories made.
I can't even talk properly or function properly. I would even start talking to myself.
I got a little counselling from my painting teacher today.
I painted my work three times because it failed.
He said, life only have one chance, when it's your turn, you do your very best.
Don't always believe for the second or third.
I know how much you trust me that I can make it. And how much you don't trust yourself is how much I don't trust myself.
While he was saying that I was stoning and thinking about you.
I felt like crying because I've missed that very one chance.
Then I think about everyone around me, my family, friends, ahma.
I know I have to wake up and get back my confidence.
I cannot just lose it all because of childhood bullies or failures in life.
I cannot keep thinking about you and die thinking about you.
I told God how I feel yesterday. And I am sure he knows it better than me.
I know how I need to keep some feelings for work and life motivation. And thank God he took away my depression.
Life should go on. And I will think of my solution when the time is up.
In confusion now. Bye.

2011-08-08T23:35:00.002+08:00

Enjoying my sister's fan. It gives out cool breeze, and listening to The Trial Of The Century. I feel like I'm outside, in a lost city. That feeling is good.
To be in doubt, lost and misery is a positive thing. It makes me want to move alittle closer to success.
And now I am alittle too not lost.
Instead I am feeling too peaceful. I'm tired I guess.
I need to sleep soon so that I have energy to finish my sketches tmr.
I now then realise how I hate homework because it stresses me.
10 sketches are as easy as peas. It's just that it's homework.
Recently can't find any motivation in my life.
Nope. Not love. Not even him. He is somehow no longer the key to my art life.
He is fading away.
Love is fading away as well.
Not the love for him. It's the love for everything.
No passion, love, relationship.
I still have the passion for art.
But the skills are alittle screwed recently.
Because I am doing things without organising.
Need to get a note book.
Paused for awhile. Was looking at David Jay's photographs.
It's very interesting. Whether be it the subject matter, the place, the nudity's position.
Very provocative.
I wonder when I can be this creative.
I need to study hard. Weiting, I need to do this.
Stop behaving as though you are still having holidays.
Or go around like a living dead thinking about love or the past that no longer exist and will never again exist.
Crazy bitch. Do what you've promised and behave like a human.
Nothing to regret and nothing to be upset about.
You can never cry over something that was never yours.
Art is such a dry subject when life becomes mundane.
Need to find motivation.
Jiayou! God, pull me through this!

2011-08-06T23:14:00.003+08:00

now playing, a beautiful mess by jason mraz.
timeless words in priceless pictures.
Am feeling good after a day of walking around and going exhibition alone.
I enjoy spending my day alone.
And meeting my two best friends after that.
I didn't think of him while I was alone.
Somehow the thought about him would make me feel even more alone.
Changed song. Lucky by jason mraz and colbie caillat.
I never enjoyed songs that are sang by a couple.
Because my song is always alone.
But this song is different.
This is the only song I would listen to.
You know how it feels to be in love with a friend?
But you just can't tell him. Because you are scared.
But feelings seemed mutual. And everything they do would be so sweet.
Put on his jacket. Hold his sleeve. Draw his hand. Hear him cry. Do stupid things together.
All of that are memories that sound common.
But the fact is this. At that very moment, his smile, his tears, his stare. All filled with emotions. It's so real. The warmth back then and now. It's different.
I don't even know you now.
You are an awesome friend to talk to. But once I was so close I would say I know what you would do or say.
Now I am so far, I can't even see your shadow.
This is the pain I would never want again.
Off to sketching. Thanks for your ideas. And I won't bother you again. (:
Because it's fair now. And I won't think that you are using me anymore.
This, is how insecure I am.

2011-08-06T01:25:00.002+08:00

It's 1.25am.
Watched two movies at home on this peaceful friday night.
My air con betrayed me. I ended up in this quiet room that was mine.
I kept my after thoughts for both movies and want to share it here.
First movie was, Letters to Juliet.
The old lady found her teenage crush after 50 years.
Then Sohpie dumped her fionce and got together with Charlie.
Like the story of Romeo and Juliet. Then, they played Love Story by Taylor Swift.
That show was good.
I enjoyed the part about the old lady.
Hope and courage. To love at that age ain't easy.
Didn't eloped but if there is fate, you would still end up beside each other even if you're dead.
Second movie was Flipped.
It's about teenage love. About 13 to 14 years old.
How the girl used to really love the guy, but the whole story flipped as they grow older.
I've realised how crushes are the most beautiful dreams on earth.
That love requires too much courage for me.
How fate no longer occurs in my life but I was useful, that's why I was treasured.
Useful. A truth too harsh to accept.
How I've flipped long ago but as long as you appear I cannot settle down properly.
But you don't know a shit.
You knew my weakness, and kept quiet about it.
I'm tired of love. So much that even love stories felt like tickles.
Aren't we all strangers?
And I won't snap out of this stubborness I'm in. I won't love again.
:) Would really like to catch dawu and michael's work.
Got really pissed of by my classmate.
But didn't really mean to be such a bitch towards her.
Maybe because I was hurt, and my air con died on me.
Okay then. The playing song now is Stranger by Secondhand Serenade.
I used to listen to this 3 years ago.
And I was humming to it in the hall during O level Art exams.
I was sitting at the back preparing to paint but I screwed up lot's of stuffs.
Busy watching the guy in the front row.
But realising how we were becoming strangers.
Another thing I've learnt.
Cambridge, don't appreciate emotional art. Especially from girls.
Or teenagers.
And skills are the king in this game.
Ideas too, come next.
Good night now. Going to study hard tmr.
Photography note, History notes, Practice water colour outdoor painting and acrylic painting of food. Going to draw 10 sketches for stupid cups.
Goodbye.

2011-08-04T11:12:00.003+08:00

I thought I've said that I won't love again.
But when he comes back with a request, I would rather help than not sleep.
I know it's not love. It's just a habit.
And I have already got out of it long ago.
I'm a friend. He is also a friend.
The weather is awesome.
Cold enough to freeze the pain.
What song is this that I'm listening to.
Is there a message you want to send?
No I'm just thinking to much.
It's a beautiful song.
I need to wake up.
Wake up to my reality. And keep love away from my life.
Today I shall learn indesign, then paint, then watch tv and live a normal mundane life.
The rest don't make sense.
Buhbye. and Good morning.

2011-08-01T23:08:00.002+08:00

Current song on my playlist.
French Kiss- The Trial of the Century.
From the movie, The Art of Getting By.
It's a story that reflects so much about my life as well.
Or maybe my own fairy tale.
Something that happened but was never really true.
The song also sings My story.
I thank you, sometimes blame you. But you would still stay in my mind.
I remember that day I read your compo and it was so good.
I went to photocopy ur work, without realising how rude it was.
And yeah I got a good scolding. Hahhas. And I am still scared when I think about it. LOLS.
Only he can do that, you people don't understand.
To create every daunting feeling and to make life for me, happy, fearful, painful or happy again.
This was the permission I gave to him.
Well, it's all over. :)
But the storyline of the movie is awesome.
I like the situation I am in now.
This bitterness and sweetness at the same time, causes my artwork to stand out alittle more.
I don't want to throw that away. :)
So right now, let's stay this way. I'm perfectly fine.
Really. Being this absurb and crazy is just the kind of life I was looking for.

2011-07-31T01:27:00.002+08:00

current playlist, Katy B- Lights on.
Ate durian just now :$ omg now the whole house got this smell. I think if jiejie smells this she will faint. LOLS
Today had a lovely night watching people sing at esplanade.
Like the night and wind. The band singing, and me sitting down thinking my life away.
Hahahs friends asks me about relationship.
It is no longer part of the plan for my life.
Nobody to blame, no worries :)
I just feel that it's not necessary, anymore.
I have had enough relationships last time that were all horrible histories.
Did found someone I really want to marry, have kids, forget about myself and just give everything to him and throw away my passion for.
But we didn't feel the same. Hahhas.
Kept that thought for someone else.
But realise that actually what I have now, my career, passion, family, religion.
They satisfy me and I feed on healthy memories. Words like, be yourself, be strong.
Things that keeps art going in my life.
I'm looking at what I have.
But boyfriend, no thanks. Unless any guys that would never want to get married.
Flings are fine, no long term. :)
I might sound so childish. But it's just because I've seen life so clearly with my eyes.
It's not realistic to be serious anymore. And I have already stepped out of my yellow box.
And am hanging between a crazy mind and my religion.
Look on the bright side, I will never need to worry about anybody else except myself and family. :)

2011-07-28T20:06:00.002+08:00

I've been saving money! So proud of myself!
I bought a cardi and my model for only 50 bucks.
Spent 7 yesterday on food and today only 4!
Whoo! God bless!
And I just have to save money for my dslr and school fees!
Have been craving for pop corn and bread today. :$ LOLS. SO WEIRD.
Today more weird. haha. I saw SL in school while holding the orientation. The first reaction, unintended reaction was, I turned, and screamed. LOLS!
Then went home and saw sj on bus. LOLS. Then I sat beside this teenage boy sleeping with his mouth open. LOL. The whole story is so funny.
Hahha. Today so cui, super tired cos I've been up since 6. But I really really enjoy the morning. It's so refreshing and feels so back to the past. hahha.
Tmr will be the last day of orientation. Had pretty much fun not doing anything today.
Honestly I do like the art management team more than art teaching. But only few art management turned up today :{
The rest are so disappointing.
Art teaching students are like alot of mini lians LOL
Hahha but I'm sure everyone will graduate to be a better person!
One year passes by so quickly. Gahhh. I'm year two already. Further and further away from where I used to like to be.
Growing up so fast, faster than I've expected.
Oh and I realise my juniors are all quite old. LOLS. Majority are older or same age.
hahaha. Oh well, I'm super tired now. And can't stop eating this very nice bread :$
Hoping that monday would be a good start! And tmr would end quick! And so fast, no more 14 hours sleep everyday, shopping, stoning, doing art for pleasure, watching tv and drama series and eventually, no more time to be a lazy kid. hahha. Sian! :(
Must go back to working like a cow everyday till midnight or morning!
And hope that all the new teachers and modules are fine :\
Time to rest, preparing myself for war! :D
Buhbye ;)
Seriously, why do I sound so happy. LOL.

2011-07-26T00:38:00.002+08:00

It's pretty irritating for someone to keep forcing their opinions to you.
And hey, my life is pretty peaceful like this. Don't assume I need anyone else to make it better.
I've been struggling with feelings.
How to accept who I am. What I like, what I like to do, eat, drink, play, go.
Doing art, is it because I used to like him so much I do what he likes? Or because I enjoy it myself.
I found my answer. That kind of bubbling and boiling inside when I think of art, it's real. Initially it wasn't because I love it, fully. But now it is.
I might lose it sometimes, but I know it will come back.
I like to drink tea. Or anything that is delicate.
I like to eat jap food. Because it is easy to eat. I hate to cut things, or dip all sorts of sauces, wait for things to cook etc.
I like to wear clothes that are either red, blue, yellow, white, black.
Am in love with dresses that can tie at the waist.
I enjoy sleeping very much.
I like to look at white guys. LOLS.
But I never wanted a relationship.
I enjoy thinking about him very much. He keeps me on the ground. And he taught me something that I would remind myself everyday.
Just be yourself and be comfortable about it.
If you are angry, be angry. That's what I've been struggling about.
If you're happy, laugh. Sad, cry.
I'm undergoing this therapy now.
Tmr is the day school starts.
I've been so pampered, sleeping at home all the time and slacking so much I'm hardly painting.
I'm alittle excited. And then a little sian. Cos I can't sleep anymore. LOLS.
I really love to sleep, I'm not joking.
God, please be with me although I'm suppose to know that you're inside me.
Okay then, going to sleep. and accept myself everyday.
and get that nice guy out of my head.
even if it's not love. :)
I've been missing my friends alot. But I don't know if anyone of them would feel the same way like me.
Because I'm so hard to be with, to be accepted.
I also can't help them in anyways, or make them laugh and smile more than the others.
Song today is , Never gonna leave this bed by maroon 5.
Adam sings,
take all that I have, give them all away just to get you back.
take what I can give. I've been screaming so loud, can't you hear ey?
I want to sing that too.
But then again, no point. It's impossible. :)

2011-07-23T23:15:00.002+08:00

I'm so tired. Within 24 hours I get so many attacks.
About to break down because my thoughts are killing me.
Not even in the mood for art. Because of all the restrictions my school have set for me.
I hate going to caregroups. I'm not going. Ever again.
And I hate feeling so alone. Even if I am not.
And I guess I am irritable because I'm hungry.
-_-

2011-07-23T16:20:00.002+08:00

My mum gives me hell lots of stress and things that would piss me off.
And I just can't get angry with her!
The Lord of peace is with me. -_-
Recently ain't in my best mood.
I believe the Lord will restore me.
But we say it like, I believe the Lord has restored me.
To believe before receiving.
School is starting next week, for my course and art management.
zzz. So I start school 1 week earlier than other people.
Everyone that are about to start their school (which means they are all from art school) are telling me that they are very excited and happy.
The year2 and 3 feels like that -__________________-!!
But my passion didn't fade at all. In fact it's forever increasing.
The problem is always how when I know art I lose abit of religion and religion makes me lose abit of my art and myself.
And recently just have very bad memories flashing again and again.
I'm getting my attack, because I am saved.
And art is my another problem.
These things really pisses me off.
But nobody is there to listen.
I don't even know how to tell my sister about this.
My friends are all very busy.
But not to worry anymore.
I'm gonna get busy with school work. And I will have no time to think about all these shits.
Moodswings, yeahh.
Constant one. :)

2011-07-20T17:40:00.003+08:00

I woke up yesterday night. 3 am.
From a nightmare.
A memory of mine.
Those people laughing outside while I was in the cubicle.
The people that made my life so hard to live.
They despised me, hated me, laughed and mocked at me.
Said I am ugly, irritating, fake, stupid.
I woke up angry.
The people that disagree with my perception, that didn't respect me and hurt me because they want to feel strong.
I got revengeful.
And 5 minutes ago, this fat arsh on facebook pissed me off with his stupidity.
I'm really scared of the life before.
But yesterday God told me to just sleep.
I got my answer just now. After that guy pissed me off.
You know those people that had hurt me, they are at very poor places right now.
They havent graduate, they are poor, they are now the stupid ones and they are turning really unappealing.
The guy that pissed me, he is rich, but lonely, and always pissing people off because he is so blunt and he just don't think hard enough when he speaks.
But actually I don't have to hurt them just because they've hurt me.
I don't feel happy just because they end up at where they are today.
I don't think anyone should have retribution.
These people, make me grow up to who I am today.
So filled with God's favour and grace. I'm on a higher ground today.
I've found wisdom in forgiving and learning from the wounds.
If my life was suppose to be perfect, then I would never learn.
When they pissed me off, I learn how to control my temper and my students next time, can never make me angry so easily. :)
I would seek God more and have a even more blessed life.
I used to hate them so much. But now I've grown up already. The wounds just teaches me to love my enemies and bless them because they are not bless, thats why they need to hurt people to seek comfort.
Even that guy taught me anger management. Hahhaas.
You people won't know why I used to love him so much.
He is constantly teaching me how to be a better person just by being there.
Even if I didn't love him, I would really like him as a person.
He is the angel in my life. :)
And God just keeps me moving away from the painful things that happened.
I'm leaving my bipolar behind.
I'm running. Running towards a peaceful life. Haha. There is joy in my heart now.
So filled. I'm no longer feeling empty.
I know how to live my life already. :)
Good bye.
And bless my enemies. That they would find their life.

2011-07-17T02:39:00.002+08:00

You know, I am not always posting emo post because of him.
It's just that, I can't find happy things around me.
Because I am always so unappreciative.
I've been pretty tired now adays.
Stepping into lives that are not mine. Not a single bit.
And am very against it myself. But have nothing to live for myself. So I would just absorbed them.
Haven't been painting recently. I guess I'm alittle dry recently. I need to visit exhibitions.
You know something? The thing about blogging is that I can be a selfish person here.
I don't have to worry about other people's girlfriends or boyfriends. I don't have to care about their lives and I don't have to worry about how people think of my thoughts. It's like doing art.
But picture has different meanings to everyone. Words are, straight in the face.
I'm not nice. That's why. My posts are always so sad. Art works are always so sad. I am always like that.
He is very nice. Very kind.
This is who he is, and not what he do to become.
I am not like that. I am doing nice things to become one.
So what is the main objective of this post today.
It's actually about my complains towards this life I am living.
So lost of directions and so sorry towards God. So against my own ethics and obeying those I do not like.
Life is full of many shits. The only way to live it is to take it, and throw them at the right place, not back up because gravity is gonna pull it down, in your face again.
Facebook is like a philosophy ground. People talk about their lives, and then those "righteous" or "cool" kids will ask them to shut up because they call them attention seekers.
Then there are those that post about the things that makes alot of sense.
But sometimes it gets repeated so often, people get sick of it.
But facebook is so big, how to avoid?
Facebook is a waste of time but a very good social site.
Oh, but then again why am I at facebook.
Lols.
I need to settle the thousand and one thoughts in my brain.
So many to write, draw and speak of.
Am losing my sleep recently. But I would listen to pastor to sleep.
Hearing lots of sounds and seeing lots of shadows.
So immune to them, they just start to crawl to my sketchbooks.
Am not in love anymore but so many weird guys just talk to me suddenly, and suddenly all leave at one go. Finally this peace. Would remind me of that kind little boy. But my will is much stronger than the heart.
Going to church tomorrow.
Zy tells me about the chalet so I say meet tmr. So far no replies from other classmates. But it's okay.
It's pretty late now. It's 3.02am.
I better faint now. I mean sleep. :)
So many things I want to do but this body seems to be so weak.
I will grow alittle more fats. It's necessary.
My song has ended. It means it's time to bid goodbye.
He somehow keeps me going because he is so right most of the time. :)
I need to keep moving on at the same time.
Buhbye now. Life is always fun when it's unfair.
Because God promise to use the weak. And I am weak. :)

2011-07-15T00:51:00.002+08:00

Hello there! It's a peaceful night. (:
I didn't get the modules I've wanted but it's okay!
Had an awesome day sleeping, and a night out with joscelin and shermaine for dinner.
Just had a chat with zy! Hahha Heard lots of interesting things and am so glad for this bro of mine x)
We actually just watch each other grow without ourselves realising it.
From very strange classmates to good friends talking about personal stuffs.
Oh so yeah, we've decided to plan a chalet together!
For 4e4. God I actually wanted to not plan anything anymore but the previous chalet was actually quite fun for me and dat1a so I would just like to gamble this time for a chalet in december.
Recently am alittle sian because of the time table and school lessons.
I really am scared of Kenneth ttm. Nobody scored more than C. Then my gpa how?
But actually I am still in peaceful mode cos God always keeps my under his wings. x)
God's love for me will always be the same, so strong. Yesterday, today and forever.
It's just myself, not wanting to accept it. I know it very well myself.
Now I've already forgotten him and am willing to take a closer step towards my relationship with God.
With God, are all the good things and blessed life. So filled lord. I am so filled.
That boy. He said, who would be there behind him?
I would say it's me if it was the old me.
But now I wish he knew this answer I have. This beautiful answer.
It's Jesus. That stood behind me as well, and also infront of me, bringing me to where I will be.
I can't do anything behind him. Neither can anybody else help me if they are behind me.
I never felt so good without make up. Or with little make up outside.
Never stood so still on the ground, not shaken by the memories and am confident in the lord.
So blessed and favoured. With good people all around me and challenges that can only make me a stronger person.
I'm going off now. Getting scolded for not sleeping. Hahaha.
Gonna read discreetly then. LOL.
I bought Edvard Munch and Frida Kahlo books :D
So happy~! Although I'm not sure about the credibility of the author but it's still information about them!
Artists have sad lives. And I know how Vincent Van Gogh lost track from God.
But I'm sure that's because he don't know God is so gracious.
I know it is hard to keep art as a subject. Because art have always feel like a religion to me.
Between God and art, I choose both. They are equally important and the word important here weighs alot.
I am really free from bipolar and the works all starts to twist back to normal works.
I'm in dilemma of not able to produce good works just because I am happier.
But trusting in God is the only thing I can do.
And currently my assessments don't require my working method.
I am so clear of the things I would do in the future but right now I am just following instructions to finish my bond.
I know the lifestyle I want is very different from my current relationship with God.
But art don't seem to really land humans into a very happy place.
It's a field of expression. And when I gave up my memories for God, I gave up one road of expression.
Art is not demonic. But it's not normal. it's nothingness and yet a meditation to another realm.
It's eccentric, and sometimes errotic. It's playing with ideas for designers but artists would do art like giving birth. At least, for my point of view.
I realise all the thoughts of being single, not having kids, staying overseas, becoming an artist and staying alone starts to fade when I turn to Jesus.
Maybe it's not right somewhere :\
I know how to reveal my forgotten feelings in my art. But to constantly feed on Jesus.
I just pray for wisdom and that there would be more light in my head. Haha.
More light in my head. If you were me, you can fully understand what I mean by more light.
Inside, it's dusty and dark.
I'm cleaning it now. :) and it's going well. Just that art is the only problem.
I can't even talk to anyone about this issue. Because I'm crazy. LOLS.
Good nights now! :) Don't think so much.

2011-07-14T01:45:00.002+08:00

Oh Hi! :)
Recently abit stuck with nightmares and shocking dreams.
It's already 1.45am and I should really go to bed but feel like uploading pictures.
Just went for class chalet. Haahha Was trying their 18 year old drinks. LOLS STINKS.
hahaha. Today I've been thinking about relationships.
Actually I just feel that I am not worth the love from guys like them.
And I just want to find someone that really knows me and sees me till they are hell bored.
I don't know how such things can last.
But guys are really a hell lot of headache.
Tmr morning I still have to snatch all my Sas modules!
Must wake up at 7. All prepared, like a true aunty!
Time to go! Buhbyee :)

2011-07-10T22:25:00.002+08:00

Hi! hahah. Yesterday night I had a very good laugh. LOLS.
This guy called me yesterday night and I am very sure he is drunk. LOLS.
Then the contents of the phone call is, "Do I have a chance?"
Ok Weiting, don't so mean. LOLS. Of course the answer was an indirect and very nice No.
I seriously find that it is impossible to have a relationship with someone more immature than myself.
And not with anyone else now :D
Until I am really settled with being an art practitioner.
Now the only thing that makes me excited is art. Hahaha.
Relationships are boring, and tied down, filled with responsibilities that I hate to commit myself to, long and tiring what so ever reasons you have.
When the time is right that He will appear.
I'm bless with Jesus, and his love is more than enough! I also have awesome friends and sisters around me! I even have a definite career and passion that I want!
I am fine with my looks even if I am not visually appealing! Hahha!
I have my family safe and healthy and I am not poor!
What is wrong? I don't know! Hahaha!
Relationship, it's just a bonus!

2011-07-09T23:08:00.002+08:00

Today's play list features Beyonce's "The best thing I never Had"
Hahha! I feel so liberated.
Well, everything feels good now and there is nothing really special about my daily time table.
Oh oh! I've been doing watercolour and it's getting pretty well :D
I saw Mr hakim's photo album! Oh God! He took photo with Vangogh's starry night!!!
And FRIDA KAHLO's WORKS!!! AHHHHH!
I am in love with that artist!
Hahah! I SWEAR I AM GOING TO NEW YORK AND SAN FRANSISCO! AND ISRAEL!
Just gonna trust God in that! haha!
Oh I've been talking to my ex schoolmates! Hahah! So random! Hope I can meet up with my friends soon :D
If you believe that I have gone crazy because my blog is so different from last time, DON'T WORRY! LOLS
Haha Its night! oh and it's 11.11!
ok just turn 11.12. LOL.
I am perfectly fine and free from bipolar.
Not because of the songs I listen to. I just accepted Christ again.
ok! feel like painting! Oh daddy and mummy still not home from Malacca!
Abit worried! God bless don't worry!
I miss my friends! And really don't hope to go back to the past, but we are going to make a brighter future!
Hahah Always look forward, things are so bright ahead!
OH PAPA JUST CALLED ME! Haha! Okok! They are coming home!
Buhbyeee! Gonna catch my supper :3 HOHOHO.
Oh and one more thing!
I didn't forget all the good memories.
But Instead of being negative towards it, I face it in a more optimistic way.
And the things he said that we good for me, I am changing towards it :D
It's always good to receive comments, and changing for the better!
I have officially quited eyelashes :)
And am more truthful towards my emotions.
Buhbye! :D

2011-07-08T01:38:00.002+08:00

Today was fast. I ran in, gave my teacher the board and left.
My teacher posted on facebook, saying how 4e4 2009 made a difference x)
I guess some of them must be puzzled why he would say that.
I made a board for him, but I only asked a few people for comments.
I spent $40 ++. hahah. But it was fine, I am so grateful towards him.
I walked back to Jp. On my old way back, I saw myself.
And I slowly place the memories and feelings back.
Initially I didn't really like this guy. But He came at the right time, pulling me out of a pit that I was so afraid of.
I've been lonely in secondary school. I would shut my world up.
Even till now I guess. But he was the only one that gave me a torch light to follow.
I put them, back to the art room.
We would do art together, eat, fight, quarrel, laugh, whisper, act cute, pretend weak, look into each other's eyes and look away.
You didn't know I hate chrysanthament tea, but I know you like green tea.
I put them back, to the canteen, to the it labs, to the science labs, to the staircases, to the classrooms.
We would go to the library together, and go printing. You would give the puppy eyes and ask for help, but you would ask me to do things that were personal. I would keep your things for you and you would ask him to take care on my way home.
I put them back to the trains and library.
The worst experiences were bbqs. sometimes you are there, and sometimes you would hurt me with all the truth. At times I would stand quietly at a corner, and watch you start the fire.
I put them back to the pits, to west coast park, to the seats we sat together at, where you stepped my foot.
The times we talk on msns, msges, as you slowly distant. From sweet, to sour, to nothing.
I put them back on the internet, and delete the histories. I will not play the songs you've want to hear anymore. I put the scores back to the book.
I put the last meeting last, the only thing I want to remember.
Sakae sushi, but clearly we drew our lines.
This is the last page of the story.
I put it in my mind, cover up the rest.
Even if you've talked to me today, I need to settle my feelings.
I don't want to vomit them out so quickly. They will digest, really.
There is this song, that keeps me going today.
Pain, is because I am unable to be part of your life anymore to take care of you.
Even if these things are over, it's satisfying because we all gave our best.
Clearly, we are both lost.
I, still don't have the courage to ask you for the answer.
But it's alright boy, I know she will take good care of you.
I'm determine to concentrate on my career and family for the rest of my life.
I don't want a family of my own. I'm too weak and unwilling for one.
The song ends with this.
Don't cry, because at least the defination of love is clear to everyone.
Love is to see each other happy, and bliss.
I put this inside, my heart, brain, blood, and every piece of my art.
Tonight is 2.03am.
This is my last post on this boy I love deeply for 3 years.
He will never appear again.
This dream, is a lost hope.
It's my childish childhood crush, my stupidiest torture to myself.
I swear I don't regret at all. I do this willingly, with a mind as mature as a 30 years old women.
If I even look back when I grow up, at least I have someone in my life that made me who I am in the future.
Don't want this to rewind. I cannot sink into another round of misery.
Good night now.
I'll wake up tomorrow morning, maybe happier, and stronger.

2011-07-04T15:37:00.002+08:00

I've made up my mind.
It's been a long and tired journey. Giving up would be my last intention.
But time had no mercy on me.
I'm going back tomorrow, to give my teacher the last present. It would be the last time, back in that place. My last time, seeing my teacher.
I'm not planning anymore outings, not going back there anymore.
The reason I've kept going back, has slowly distance itself from me.
I give my gratitude to my teacher, for pulling everything together for me. My future, my passion, my own space of expression, my only happiness in my whole school life.
And for finding someone that kept me going, despite only a short period of time.
That place, is filled with many of my joy and blissfulness.
I, can't bare to leave and not go back there again.
But I know you ain't there for me anymore. You've already found your place.
And I am trying to leave that place to find my own.
There isn't anyone in my life that I want to be, or want to be with except you.
Yet this thought, cannot continue anymore.
I'm going back, and leaving everything behind. All the beautiful memories I had when I was 15, and 16.
I am 18 already. You know, you are so hard to forget. Even if I did, you would somehow slip back into my head.
This year I should move on. The amount of time I spent with you, I would use the exact 2 years to forget.
I thank my teacher, and you. I just want to do art now, and slowly leave you out of my content.
Even if it's hard, I know nothing is easy.
And I know you hate me. Even if I don't want to know.
From the beginning I know, that if I'm willing to take up the joy you give me, I had to pay twice to return them back.
You, will never know of how much I love you. And all that I've done for you.
I don't need you to know, or anyone else. And all these shall be forgotten I swear. And nobody else shall ever hear your name from my mouth.
I will keep that bottle of perfume, and sometimes pretend that I am young again. But I will never mention a breath from the past.
Those that are mine, will come back. And those that are not, won't.
I'll pray for you, till I forget how it feels to love you.
I'm going to turn 19, 20, 21, 22, till I'm old. And I don't want you in my life anymore.
Even if I continue alone, I don't want you anymore.
Wipe these tears because I'm crying for my dreams, not reality.

2011-07-02T22:04:00.002+08:00

Recently my dreams were exciting and more real than my reality.
Waking up was like falling asleep. Mundane lifestyle.
But I don't really want holiday to end. Living like that is a bliss.
I can just concentrate on loving art, and not pleasing teachers.
Even if I am tied down to this course, I really don't know what I want to be or do in the future.
I am like you. Thinking how we really suck at art, and don't know about our future, but telling each other the truth we see from each other, or words of encouragement that were said for the sake of it.
I've been dreaming too much recently. I am having jet lag. And I can't put together my memories. How which one came first before the other.
And I am still as stubborn, unwilling to give up even though I've lost, everything.
My reason for waking up each day becomes more and more vague. My passion, burning with a cold fire.
I can't feel any love anymore. I now understand what a zombie means. It's not a character. It is a very painful word. It's literally just living while you're dead.
I don't even know how to draw sad stuffs anymore.
Is this forgetting? Or is it just escaping?
I am in dilemma. I feel the pain when I think of him, then the longer I think, the more he disappears. From so strong, till it's gone.
My personality is getting really screwed up.
I guess I just need more sleep to wake up.
There's nothing much to do anymore.
Byebye.

2011-07-01T00:04:00.001+08:00

I'm tired of reminiscing.
Art is such a painful subject, for me.
But I can't stop. It's my addiction. Oh God.

2011-06-23T22:45:00.002+08:00

every time I start blogging, a very strong and familiar feeling would appear.
as though I've posting about the same thing every single time.
and I guess I am.
every evening of the day, about 6 to 7 pm, and morning at about 6 to 7 am.
these timings are the best time of the day. I could feel the light breeze, and smell your presence.
feels so peaceful and light till I start getting the sting from the memories.
I never told anyone in church that I suffered from bipolar.
Nor did anyone that I've told, believed what I said.
It's okay. Somethings are better left unsaid.
I don't want special attention.
I just told that because I find it heavy.
But I would regret after that so we keep it quiet now.
Bipolar is split personality disorder.
I went to care group yesterday at Paul's place.
Eventually I do feel better after awhile.
I wish I can stop thinking so much. But I realise that knowing how others are bless, makes me very jealous.
Yesterday I posted about how sad it was for me to watch Corpse Bride.
Emily had to leave to bless victor and victoria.
She never really got her chance to get married. And was killed by that evil ass.
Even after she's dead, she had to get her false hope.
But in the end she went to heaven after letting go.
I know this. But I keep forgetting.
That whatever is yours, will be yours and whatever is not, might just stay for awhile and leave.
I just hate how fate plays with my feelings.
And how I allowed it to.
So many things in my life that would never go the way I want it to.
I realise how not talented i am in this school.
so many things that i can't do.
but purely out of passion.
but passion cannot feed my family.
only teaching can.
i want to learn piano, but i can't.
i want to draw better but i've really tried.
my teacher mr goh ee choo says that singapore's art is crap.
goes one whole round to shoot tang da wu, saying that modern art is crap.
and the only not crap thing is those beautiful still life works.
he is just being stereotype but there is a two side story to every statement.
he somehow did make sense in some way. but it was pretty hurting to hear people insulting the art i've always want to pursue.
I've then came up with my own solution to prevent people from hurting my esteem.
I just want to express myself, through a surreal method.
I want to take up the art movements of expressionism and surrealism.
They consist of the old techniques with the new thinking.
That way I don't have to push art to the very limit of nothingness, or stay sick in the old renaissance.
I've already decided on the style I want to pick up. And i am slowly walking towards it.
Without thinking of my future career.
And I don't really want to think about my further studies in singapore or overseas.
my mum says things that makes me very angry, and makes me a little depress.
that really spoils my plan of where i want to go.
she said she wants to live with dad, without me and my sister, and i can just stay in overseas till I'm old.
this doesn't even make sense. I do love them alot. and studying there doesn't mean I will stay there forever or hate them.
gosh. classical music makes me very sad.
I need to get hold of myself.
I'm sorry.

2011-06-21T21:56:00.002+08:00

I've just finished watching the movie Corspe Bride at home.
It had a very sad ending. At least that's what I think.
I'm pretty much hurt by the ending. :(
But this is not the purpose of my post today. But since I'm not in the mood to post about all of what I want to post. Leaving it for tmr. buhbye :)

2011-06-20T21:15:00.002+08:00

想要和你说，如果你喜欢的男生是他，而他喜欢的是你，你们一定很幸福。
他是一个非常优秀的人。也是一个非常贴心的人。
他十分幽默。但认真时，他一定会付出他的一百分。
我认识他的是后，那时我们才十五岁。我和他是美术课里最用功的学生。
我们对彼此的影响都不是很好。但却在十二月份时，对彼此更加了解。
他在我快要为别的男生崩溃时，拉了我一把。他不知道吧。但他所说的话让我决定争做起来。
我把他当成是在班上作要好得朋友。不知不觉就开始非常的依赖他。不会的英文，科学，苏学，或着是美术，我都会问他。
我和他在美术课时都会了了天，还会开玩笑。渐渐的，不知不觉慢慢陷入这美丽的陷阱。
他对我的关心是比朋友还多。他对我说话的声音势必对谁都还要温柔。
我和他会一起说心事。听到他在哭时，心里比任何一个人都还要痛。听到他寂寞时，我是那个最想冲过去陪他的那个人。
看见他累了就想帮他做功课。我就是，那么的喜欢他。
一起单独吃饭，搭地铁，说话，画画。这些都是让我晚上笑着睡的原应，也是我现在哭着入眠的理由。
听起来似乎没设么。但他的每一个温柔，就是我的全世界。
今年已经是在忘记他的第三年。
看见他渐渐地从我生活中消失，我也已经慢慢的接受了。
当我知道他已经有爱的人时，精神突然崩溃，让我自己变得有所犹豫。
我现在已经好了。不用担心。
有些人问我，你为和不交个男友呢？
我不是不在爱男生。也不是有心爱的人。我只是放不下我和他的回忆。
太重了。一时之间无法就这样放手。
就算已经过了三年，那些回忆仿佛就是昨天的一场梦。
很美的梦。让我醒来时，痛得快窒息。
每次拿起画画的材料时，就会想到你。
我，该怎么办。

2011-06-14T22:48:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since I've updated. and you too.
IT fair was sort of a waste of energy and time. In the end I sold like ... a few coms only.
But I met some awesome people there. (:
Many thanks to my darlings for visiting me and bringing me stuffs!
And I thank Jesus for Charismata. My grace gifts.
Church was awesome despite only going there for an hour.
I'm sick now. Just now was worst. But after sleeping, I feel much better.
Funny thing was, mum woke me up and I thought I've slept for a day. My dream was long and tiring.
Woke up and I no longer have fever :) God bless!
My throat feels better too. And I am just sneezing and sneezing. LOL.
I'm already feeling better from my moodswings too.
I don't really miss him that much when my moodswings are over.
Just that, those songs are especially warm when I think of him.
I guess he is busy, and gone to somewhere where he gets enough rest and comfort.
I would just concentrate on my studies now. Vacation module feels pretty cool.
Teacher is so kind.
and alittle talketive.
I would just paint without thinking about anyone. Too sick too.
Bought my VanGogh's water colour paint. 9 colours for 33. ....
I should get my rembrandt one next month :D
I'm tired already. Time for medicine.
Will polish up my painting skills before year two starts :)
I don't want to get stuck behind.
Like, all the time. you, primary school, secondary.
Not Nafa.
There are people so nice to you, just because you are from a special school.
So much bullshits.
If you were mean to me, then regret for the rest of your life and don't behave like a dog.
Oh, I'm so random.
:) Too sick. Even my head hurts.
I'm also lost of who and what to think of.
I guess now, it should just be Jesus, and art. :\

2011-06-09T00:42:00.003+08:00

I will work hard.
Lord please bless me.
And let me work with Strength like Samsom, Wisdom like Solomon, Beauty like Rachel, And as bless as Abraham.
Somehow, this rain makes me very sad.
But even when it stops, this sadness won't go away.
I don't want time to stop, rewind or go to the future. I want you to just go back, being the guy I know. And don't throw me alone in this cruel world.
I'm sick.
Actually while I was smiling to sleep those few days,weeks and months, I knew that it was all going to end and I would just get myself stuck to this.
Didn't expect so many years to pass already.
I'm suppose to force myself to stand up.
I guess this heart is gradually getting heavier.
Time to sleep then. Even if I can't.

2011-06-08T01:07:00.003+08:00

Why is it, that this mistake, still hurts.
I sat near where we were. I could still imagine your presence there. Every corner, has alittle of you.
I couldn't hear you anymore. Couldn't feel your warmth anymore.
Oh, pathetic me.
I'm in so much pain, watching him drift away.
I hate myself so much for not seizing my chance. Regrets. I want to scream.
Watching you being bless and happy while seeing another girl doesn't make me happy at all.
I am so selfish.
And this song is killing me. Set fire to the rain by Adele.
If only you can understand that I've been foolishly in love with the most simple things we ever did. But because it was you thats why it's so special. No words can describe it. Even if I try to tell you, no you can't understand.
Even your voice, makes me smile.
Now this silence is killing me.
This bipolar takes place every morning, then every night.
Every morning I wake up and becomes a normal person, laugh and joke about every little thing, so super happy. and as night falls I become the most emotional person, crying alone in this dark bright room.
I let art take me away. And there isn't any solution for my mental health except that therapy.
Thinking about you gives me a terrible headache. Struggles going on inside, driving me insane.
I'm not going through puberty or emotional problems. This depression grows from somewhere I do not know of. I would scratch myself till I bleed. Or imagine things that didn't happen.
Hahhas. Just by thinking of him, and everything that I didn't keep.
He's the thorn in my flesh, yeap.
And I am stupid, yeap.
And I have lost my sense of beauty. I don't know what is pretty or ugly anymore.
Art, has taken away all my sanity.
I wish I am willing to take in my happiness. Stop rejecting it weiting.
And stop being afraid of knowing anyone else but him.
When is this going to end. Lord.

2011-06-06T22:48:00.002+08:00

I set fire to the rain.
Watched it burn as I touched your face.
_____________________________________________
I'm not interested in love. Nobody else but him. Or those that would have that little bit of him.
I don't need a guy to love me very much. don't have to have a car or lots of cash. don't need to look the best. when i love, i don't need all of that.
but anyone can't do. except him.
boy don't try so hard anymore. i'm not into relationships that i know i can't commit to right now.
i've made many mistakes before. now i just want to stay this pathetic, and painful.
because this pain is the most real thing in my inception, telling me that i ain't dreaming.
and keeps my art going. :)

2011-06-06T00:56:00.002+08:00

I'm the girl that misses you the most.
That would even imagine your answers even if you no longer exist in my life.
I'm the girl that remembers everything of you.
The things you like, the people you prefer, the words you say, every move.
But I am not the person that loves you the most. I am not the person that you would want to care about and neither am I the one that you would remember.
I am listening to 1 minute 1 second by epik high.
Yesterday I had a horrible nightmare. I dreamnt about this particular friend of mine, turning into a criminal because I said something to him that was really mean.
I guess those are the words inside but I have already forgiven him and really hope that this friendship would not end so easily.
No matter how angry I was over you because of him. :)
_________________ because I don't want him in my life anymore. Please memories, go away.
Today I bought my table and chair.
The table from Ikea, cost 12.90 only :) Its the white wooden one. Me and my family had lots of fun fixing it together.
Then I bought my chair from Muji! Its the one I've been eyeing on for 3 days. Love at first sight. x)
Its $89 but its dam cool. It has no legs, and is adjustable and can become a flat pillow.
And I am resting on it now, while putting my laptop on Fluffy. :$
Recently I do feel alot for my friend. And I'm guilty of not contributing much help to her.
And recently I do feel alot for my friends' boyfriends. And I have been stating this issue over and over again.
I do not enjoy being part of a story. I don't mind doing that occasionally, but I would want my own life as well. Do not pull me into the fairy tale and request that I become part of it. Friends draw a line there. :)
I don't want to piss anyone off. But don't cross my limits. :) You end up pissing me off.
Current song, Hour Glass by mindy gledhill. :)
Suddenly feel like drawing. I want to do a family portrait this week.
I know how long this happiness is gonna continue, and when it ends.
My mum prepares to leave soon. I know she was supposed to leave with those angels while she was giving birth to me. But I really do thank God that I have a mother, so lovely and caring :)
And my dad seems to be very sad about it, but continues his silent melanchony as he listens to my mum talk about her departure. There are still 10 more years left. I pray to my God that there would be more. Please.
And my sister would get married soon. Time is flying off so quickly.
As though yesterday I was just 7 years old, jumping on my mum's bed watching Hi Five.
I embrace everyday sincerly, without anyone knowing how I cry myself to sleep just by thinking about these thoughts.
I think about finishing my bond at 26, and that when I go overseas for studies, they would be so far away from me.
I really don't know what to do. I will observe the future then.
At the same time I hope I don't live too long.
Its too painful alone :)
Good night.

2011-06-04T02:08:00.002+08:00

I got back my results.
I did improve alot from my previous result.
My previous one was 3 if you don't inclue NIE. Cos its all B.
Then NIE I scored a C, my Gpa became 2.83.
This sem, my Gpa is 3.10.
Including NIE. Many thank you to Mr Tang Da Wu :( THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I sort of can feel how he grades. He goes so much by emotions. And I really appreciate how he can feel my emotions and how sincere he is towards it.
And I want to thank yenhui for a great power point work. And michael lee for appreciating my essay.
I scored 2 As, and 5Bs for basic drawing, desktop publishing(photoshop), lessons in thinking, ceramics and play making.
I am very happy I did well. And A fucked up E for Singapore Art Scenes.
The 1 credit module that took up my wednesday evenings, wasting my time in the theater and getting locked outside for being late for a few minutes.
The president locked us out, and it means we were meant to fail.
I'm going to retake. For sure. To prove that I can study and its those ass holes with those problems.
Initially I feel that the 2 As don't belong to me. But I really feel that they are my effort and passion now. (:
And the essay's percentage is the same as the power point. And attendance, 20%.
I am unhappy over the Bs majorities are receiving for basic drawing, despite putting in more effort.
But after reflecting on my own thoughts, I am ashamed of myself.
Mr Tang isn't just a famous artist, an awesome teacher, but he is also a great role model.
He is very humble and burning with passion when it comes to art.
He taught me something very important that all the other teachers don't have.
The people with more ability and brains don't need others to have assurance over themselves.
Nafa lecturers, especially the K guy. :) They really are the sucked up ones.
Mr baet is not. :) Michael is not. Miss teo is not.
But I don't hate the rest.
The E brings down my gpa, but not my ability, nor my skills, nor my level of thinking and expression.
:) I am happy. Because of an old man. hah.
Thank you so much tdw. :)
______________________________________________________
Recently having alittle problem with my own head.
But the mood swing period is over already. :)
Haven't been doing art :( I am so guilty. I need to go get my furniture soon and start. :)
Budget is 200 dollars. And I end up paying for myself. :|
But whenever I think of him, the art bubbles in my blood starts boiling.
Recently my mum thinks that I have diabetics and I suspect myself to have it too.
I told God I really didn't want it. And those symptoms slowly disappear.
I've really drifted away from Christianity quite somehow. Its very sad. But sometimes I would just talk to him. Because I really am, dying to be someone I'm not.
I thank God for Jessie J, :)
Her songs constantly lift me up. Like the love songs from God.
Oh and Technology by Jessie J is awesome. :)
Repeating it while blogging. It talks about how she is in love with technology more than a guy because she uses it to contact the person more through technology than seeing.
After thinking about how I would just leave this world young, I would really want to embrace my family and friends and my passion even more. But you are stuck to my head. Damn.
Why can't I just let go of those empty memories. :\
_________________________________________________________
Lastly, before I go to sleep. good night to everyone. be bless.
I'm gonna quit eyelashes. :) Nights!

2011-05-31T22:16:00.002+08:00

I bought a dispenser. It smells of violet.
A flower, not a colour.
I turned on my favourite song. Strange sun.
I sat beside my dispenser. Turned on my air-con, and song.
It feels cold. That cold feels good.
The want and the need for warmth has turned cold as well.
I have been trying to look for you. But I can't find you.
Not even inside.
It is empty inside.
From the beginning till the vague end. Nothing was really real. They are not reality, they are not dreams. Memories is too much of a word to describe it. It was just my eyes playing a trick on me.
Whatever I've remembered are the dusts and dews of the morning, the shadows behind the light, the fear of the truth. I'm constanstly that timid.
Do you know the point of being sad?
There isn't. Its just a feeling.
A feeling that you can hear among the crowds. The melchony in the winds.
A feeling that you can smell. The bitterness from the sweetest things you've ever tasted. The stench from your blood.
A feeling you can never taste. The tears has numbed your taste buds.
I've completely lost myself. My sleep, my life, my art, my religion, my soul, my passion.
And have sinked into dressing my skeleton up with this human flesh. With a loud and irritating laughter. With words that make people laugh. With the happiness that makes people ignore you. This is how I've been.
Sitting alone, crying alone. Feeling painful, alone.
Come on, laugh at me now.
Laugh at my sadness. And the things I can't do to make myself grow.
Art has driven me to this amount of craziness. To the other personality nobody knows of except herself and the four walls.
I'm terribly remourseful for this weak soul.
Nobody really understands you see.
Not even the one that I've been forgetting, nor of those that I've forgotten.
How can they understand, that I was being forced by reality to open my mouth, while they poured sorrows and hatred into me. They've took my childhood, and pushed the visions of the future for me to see. Deaths, revenges, karmas.
I wish, I don't know them.
Help.

2011-05-29T23:40:00.001+08:00

love knows no end.

2011-05-29T23:11:00.002+08:00

you know, whatever I've wanted, I never once did sat down and waited it to fall from the sky.
my grades, my looks, the things i want to buy, the people.
I worked my way here. And worked real hard to top.
I got all sorts of mean criticism before. Honestly I don't like make up. But I don't want to look even worst than that plastic face.
I paid for my own clothes. And would not mind shopping alone if its necessary.
I saved up my own money to buy the things I want. If I would take money from my parents it means I need them.
I kept that personality and temper inside to get to where I am.
You don't just say things, you do what you want and stop dreaming like a gay.
I have to tell you, this is KARMA. :)
Brush off the dust on my shoulders, give you that disgusted face and thinks that you deserve it.
Things you gave me are given back to you. :)
Aw come on, but we are still friends. Even if I hate you. I pity you more.
I'm so wicked, damn. But reality carves the personality.